There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea.

STRESS

When it rains, it pours. So much stress today.

I’m going to Las Vegas this week to meet up with my mom, who won a 4 night vacation package there and naturally this is the week where there’s a “big push” for my freelance job.

I’m trying to get as much done tonight and tomorrow, but I still have to pack and go to my job. The good news is that this trip is only costing me one day of work at the bookstore.

While the freelance gig is good, it’s also intermittent, doesn’t pay regularly, and the biggest issue is that it’s preventing me from working on a new reel so I can get a full time job somewhere. I mean, that’s not the only reason I can’t get a job, but it certainly doesn’t help.

Day 8 of being selfish meant watching the latest ep of GOT this morning. Kay talked to me a little bit yesterday. She wished me happy Easter which shocked the hell out of me, but other than that she didn’t say much. I paid the bills this morning and email asked my roommates about a few apartment things and Kay’s email seemed very cold to me, but of course that could be my reading into things since she’s been so cold to me lately.

So i dunno how it is until I get home or she does. Still feels tense. I haven’t told her i’m leaving for a few days. I’m waiting until tomorrow.

Day 6

What a difference a week makes. Last Saturday, I was a wreck because Kay was avoiding me. Today, she did the same thing, but I’m so busy with working on my freelance that I didn’t think about how long she’d been gone until it was almost time for me to leave for work. 

I watched netflix and inked up some characters (I have one left to finish tonight) and didn’t think about her. I was so much more relaxed than I was last Saturday, where I fretted all morning about how she was avoid me. She stayed away the exact same amount of time and did the exact same thing of not talking to me when she returned but it didn’t bother me today.

She came home and I asked her about the weather and put on my “retail friendly” face, which is super polite and friendly regardless of how rude the customer is to me. I figure until I can work out my financial situation, I’ll just treat her like a rude customer. 

I got paid today finally for the work I did in March. My freelance boss paid both of my outstanding invoices at once, which is awesome since I have so many bills to pay.

Also, the clothes I ordered on Tuesday morning already showed up! I’m really glad because I can bring almost everything I ordered with me on my trip and I won’t have to worry about it arriving while I’m away.

I’m not sure what selfish thing I’m going to do today. I have a lot of work to do, but I might go take little of what’s left of my paycheck and buy myself a treat when I get off work.

Day 3

Ugh, this is really hard. And it’s not quite working yet. 

All last night after my roommate came home and did not say a single word to me I could not focus on anything except obsess over why she’s not talking to me and what I should do next. I stayed up until 1:30 in the morning on websites looking for advice on how to handle this.

I did not buy sneakers last night because they didn’t have the ones I wanted. I need to buy them online, but I’m having trouble justifying the price tag still. Even though I need sneakers, I could just wear other shoes, so it’s hard for me to just get them because I want them.

My hair cut came out great even though I got a really green student. She was nice, if a bit unsure, but she always asked for help if she didn’t know what to do, which I really appreciated.  The educator cut my bangs to show her how to, so they came out great ‘cause the teacher did it! I’ve been asking for bangs for years and I finally got them to do it for me. I know it sounds crazy, but I would ask and they’d cut a shorter piece that swoops to the side, but it did not look like bangs so much as hair being swept aside. I guess bangs are challenging for hairdressers.  Because I went to a student salon, I got this awesome hair cut for $18 plus tip.

Even though I am on a budget, I managed to get a friend to go to dinner with me tonight so I don’t have to go home right after work.  My roommate will most likely be out too, since that’s her MO now, but I at least have a chance of coming home after her, which means I might not have to endure her walking into our room behind me without saying a word tonight. We’ll see. She’ll probably stay out really late like she’s been doing and then just go right to bed.

It’s just awful, having someone you live with in the same room ignoring you. Makes you feel crazy, like maybe you’re reading into things, but then maybe she’s being crazy, but then maybe you did something, and what could it be, and then how long will this last and what if it last forever, what if she finds a new apartment, what will you do? And then you realize she’s not doing anything to you, so her moral high ground is technically intact. Except that it’s rude and just plain mean.

Ignoring someone, I think, is one of the worst kinds of psychological damage you can inflict on someone. It’s the passive aggressive way to tell them they mean so little to you that you can’t even be bothered to utter a one syllable greeting. 

Being selfish, day 2

I’m not going to post everyday, but it’s a new thing so I figure I gotta keep it up for a while to build the habit.

Things I’ve done for myself today: applied to yet another job and rocked an online sale to replace some staples. My shirts have holes in them and the straps are fraying on my camis. It’s time for some new things.

I also plan on hitting up the shoe store tonight on my walk home from work.  I’ve been saying I need sneakers for three years now and I just keep putting it off. I’ve asked for sneakers for the past two Christmas’ and I never get them, so it’s time to put these on the credit card.

I haven’t been paid for freelancing since February.  They technically have until the 24th to pay me when it will officially be 30 days since I sent the invoice.  There are actually two invoices outstanding and after tomorrow there will be three. I’m really hoping that I get paid this week because then I will be able to pay my credit card bills and no interest will accrue.  Did I mention that freelancing sucks?  

I’m not sure what I should do for myself tomorrow, but I do have that haircut scheduled.  I’m thinking bangs (or fringe, whatever) since it’ll be a visible change but I can still keep my long hair.

I’ve got to start thinking about some cheaper things I can do for myself. I’m thinking maybe adding something physical into the mix or maybe doing a closet purge. I don’t have much, but I do have a lot of really old things that I am hanging onto for one reason or another.  I always feel amazing after reorganizing. I’ll take suggestions?

Being Selfish, day 1

Well, I’m not sure what exactly I’m supposed to be doing but it’s only day one.  So far, I’ve worked on some non-work drawing, answered a few tumblr messages and watched the latest GOT episode that I didn’t get to watch last night. I’m still pissed at my roommates about it, but I haven’t decided if I’m going to say anything. I don’t think I should, I think I should just focus on what I want to do next.

I scheduled a hair appointment for Wednesday. I know I want to make a huge change in my life and since I don’t know what that’s going to be yet, I figured I’d start with a haircut.  

Nothing drastic since I the one thing I know for sure is that I want longer hair, but whenever I get it cut, I feel pretty, so that’s what I’m doing.  I haven’t had my hair cut since last May, so it’s been almost a year and definitely needs a trim.

I’m still really angry, so a lot of my ideas on what I want to do are “fuck you”s to my roommates. And that’s a problem because they’re not paying attention to me (and why should they) so my pettiness will be in vain. It solves nothing and will not appease me. 

I at least know that if I want this to work, I have to do things that will make me happy, not piss off other people or try to get their attention.  

I have to make myself understand that nobody cares about me except for me. That’s the goal of this. I think that if I finally accept that truth, then maybe I’ll get out of this rut and really start living for myself. I won’t be what anyone else wants and I’ll know what I want, because I’ll only focus on what I want.  I want to be the most selfish shit on the planet. Because they’re the happiest. They get what they want out of life. They trample on people and don’t flinch.  I’m sick of being trampled on. I’ve never in my life wanted to be the “bad person” but somehow I always feel like I am anyway, and yet reap no benefits from it, only guilt and a feeling of being betrayed everyone and the world. 

Maybe if I can just approach my life with this attitude of “me first”, I won’t feel lonely because I’ve accepted it and I won’t hate myself anymore because my life will be all about my own happiness. 

Nice guys finish last

I was sitting on the floor watching the premiere of Mad Men by myself when I decided that I am just going to go for it and be as selfish as I can be from now on.

Both of my roommates were out. About three hours earlier I had texted them both because I saw that the next episode of Game of Thrones was on HBO go already.

I’m not really into GOT all that much but we three had watched it all together last season and since I’m the one with access to HBO go, I thought I’d be considerate and wait watch it with them.

Well Kay texted back “I’m hanging out with friends” and C didn’t reply at all.

So I didn’t watch it because I figured they’d want to and we could watch it together.

Well, C comes back and tells me she watched it at a friend’s house and Kay was doing the same thing, although she didn’t tell me because she doesn’t talk to me anymore.

And now the only one SOL is me.

Neither bothered to tell me at 7;30 when I texted them so that I could watch it on my own. I’m not bothered that they watched it without me. What bothers me is that they didn’t think about my needs and that maybe I might want to see it. All they had to say was “I’m watching it with friends.”

And I kind of decided that from now on I’m going to try to do whatever I want when ever I want. Fuck other people.

Nobody gives a shit about me, so why should I be considerate? I’m the one who gets screwed.

I’ve noticed that C does whatever she wants and now Kay is doing it too. Neither of them consider how their actions affect me (or each other).

And a lot of my misery stems from this. I do or do not do things based upon the people around me. I’m constantly thinking about others and if what I do will affect them.

This is obviously behavior leftover from childhood, trying to appease the volcano that was my father.

I don’t know what I want. I know it’s going to be difficult to figure out. But I’m going to try to do exactly as I please for a while.

Since I was a kid, I’ve always had thoughts “if I do this, then that will show them” when I’m upset. But the thing is it never worked because nobody ever gave a shit about me and my efforts at martyrdom (which I learned from my mother).

So, I’m going to spend some time figuring out what I want to do, even if it’s stupid stuff like “eat a donut” or “wear pink socks” or whatever.

My new motto is going to be, “fuck you.”

unlikeable

My heart is heavy today with anxiety and hurt feelings.  As Kay continues to ignore me and avoid me I just feel worse and worse. 

She’s always posting things on her facebook about staying positive and and being the best person you can be and not letting others drag you down and part of me wonders if this is because I am so awful to her that she needs these things to bolster her.

I know everything isn’t always about me.  But the part of me that worries about things thinks that I must be so negative and such a downer and font of poison that it’s no wonder that i am alone in this life.  It must be me who chased her away.

It’s my fault she’s doing this but I don’t know how to be any different. 

I know I’m not always nice and being around someone constantly is very hard for me. I try to be good. I try not to behave badly.  But I guess in the end I fail. I feel like I ruin everything.

I should be enjoying this time alone and instead I am overwrought with anxiety and self loathing. I keep thinking that if I could just do what she does and not be bothered by anyone or anything and just focus on myself, then I’d be a lot happier. If I could just forget everyone and everything. 

I keep thinking, “What do I want?” and I don’t know.  I don’t know what I want.  Everyone is making decisions and moving forward with their lives and I feel I am stuck in place. I don’t even know what I like anymore. I’m not interested in music or television or fashion and the art I used to like barely interests me now.  I’m not sure who I am or what I’m doing and I don’t know how to fix it. I really wish I had a mentor, someone I could call and ask advice, someone who would push me to do things and care about me.  I guess that’s something I want: a person who really cares about me. 

Kay left for her dance class today at 9am and the class was over hours ago. She’s probably staying away until I have to leave for work at 3pm.  And she’ll be gone when I return from work. 

Difficulty

Today was fraught with difficulty.

Wake up a little after seven by one roommate frantically texting me because there’s a homeless man sleeping in our hallway. My other roommate was up and called the cops while I emailed our landlord. This man was laying face down, blocking the stairs. My other roommate had to step over him to get by so she could make her bus to get to work.

My therapist called me last night to cancel our appointment because she’s sick.

I got up and made popovers to take to my friend’s place for breakfast. Except I got all they way to her apartment and she’s texts me that she’s at my place. We never got to my place because it’s a hole and I’m embarrassed to have people over.

So we agree to meet at a park that’s halfway between us and when I get there she’s on the phone on a job interview. (Yes, it’s that same friend from earlier in the week who was like, “I don’t like the job you’re interviewing me for” and got the fucking job interview.) they’re going to fly her to Canada to tour the place. I was trying not to be put off at our mixed up communication and then having to sit and listen while she went on an interview.

Our picnic breakfast was not a disaster. After that I went back to my apartment and started to work on some freelance and actually had the wherewithal to cook a decent lunch. Which turned out to be my smartest move all day since I was so stressed with freelance I didn’t get to eat dinner.

Freelance was a disaster. Flash is the dumbest animation program. I don’t know who it’s designed for, but its not for character animators that’s for sure.

So while I’m in the middle of an 8 hour pulling my hair out in frustration session, Kay comes home with friends to show off our apartment. We share a bedroom, it’s a pit of despair and I’m mortified that strangers are coming into the room while I’m not only stressed out but my beds not made and there is stuff everywhere. Our room looks insane. Kay has had piles of clothes and boxes on the floor since the day we moved in. It looks like we’re hoarders. My side of the room was not neat because I was not expecting company and generally I clean once a week on Sundays.

So then Kay leaves again and I managed to get three things off my plate, but when Kay returns it’s back to the dreaded nearly silent one word answers treatment. She’s not talking to me again and I just can’t stand it. I asked her if she had fun with her friends and it’s “yeah.” And then silence Nothing else she wanted to add or share with me.

I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and ended up crying quietly for 15 minutes. And then of course when I emerged, Kay immediately went in without saying a word to me and when she came out she crawled onto bed without saying a word.

Today was emotionally difficult for me. A normal person would have not had any trouble coping with the relatively minor events of the day, but for me it was very hard.

The spiteful part of me wants to say fuck you and your goddamned games to Kay. Part of me wants to give her the silent treatment, but I know I’ll never win it. Kay does whatever the fuck she wants without ever thinking about how it will affect me. We share a room. It’s hard to share a room with someone who is ambivalent towards you.

I wish it didn’t bother me. I wish I could just do what makes me happy without worrying about anyone else. I wish I could be selfish and not have guilt over it.

Not a great day

I don’t know what to do.

I always call my mother for support and I always regret it. I called her to tell her I can’t stop crying and how awful I feel about not having a real job and being generally undesirable to men at large.

She decides that now would be a great time to talk about how great she feels now that she’s landed a new job at a college and to tell me about her new boyfriend.

Awesome. Way to comfort your daughter. I know I should be happy for her, that her life is pretty put together.  But mine is a mess and it’s really hard for me to be happy when the two areas I am suffering in are the two areas she chose to brag about.

I really miss my dad.  He was a lot of things, I have a lot of emotional problems because of him. But at least he understood me.

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