I should know by now never to call my mother when I am looking for comfort from my anxiety.
I just called her on my walk to work so that I could “talk out” some of this anxiety that’s been in my system since last night, especially since I just had dailies with the Norway gig and it’s definitely OVER on Wednesday. So both of my freelance gigs are ending before the month is out and I’m FREAKING OUT about how I’m going to pay my bills.
No sooner do I call her and tell her all of this and my fears about being able to support myself and she says, “I’ll always support you, just not financially.”
And I’m like… okay, look, we both know that I’m freaking out right now so what I don’t need is for you to fan the flames of my anxiety. She could have just said, “I’ll always support you.” FULL STOP and worry about my asking her for money IF it comes to that. Instead, she decided to take the exact fear I’m having and just add a little extra worry to it.
Yeah, my mother still helps me sometimes with money. It’s tough when you work three jobs and 82 hours a week but you don’t get paid for two of those three jobs until up to six weeks later. Sometimes, she floats me grocery money so that I can eat. I acknowledge that I’m goddamned LUCKY that I have a mother and that I have a mother who will help me sometimes.
But I wasn’t asking for a handout. I was asking for reassurance and comfort.