Today’s been stressful and it’s not even noon yet. Lots of little things are building up and while I’m trying not let it get to me, it seems impossible.
Lately, I’ve been feeling upset with my friend who I will call Shark. She’s a go-getter if ever there was one, she thrives under pressure, and loves confrontation— it’s amazing that we’re friends despite being so different.
But more and more often, I feel our differences chaffing me. We used to hang out a lot and talk a lot and now we hardly ever do either of those things. Shark and I used to do art together, draw and chat and drink coffee.
Since she came back from her 4 month sojourn around the world, I’ve noticed a change in her. Obviously, that would change anyone, but I’ve noticed that her new life requires less of me.
Shark has a kick ass job at the largest social media company in the world— a position which she made for herself and somehow managed to convince them was needed— she’s just moved into a loft with her boyfriend and she’s formed her own company that curates art shows. So, she’s pretty busy.
My life hasn’t changed at all, except for the noticeable absence of my friend. I tried to be happy for her. I mean, I certainly don’t want bad things to happen to my friends. It’s just really hard for me sometimes to be gracious when I feel abandoned.
This is where I really hate social media because she posts pictures of all the things she’s doing and I get to see who she’s hanging out with now, who she’s having coffee and art days with instead of inviting me. I tried to think about what I could have done that maybe turned her off and unfortunately I came up with my personality is obviously what’s doing it.
I mean, I don’t mean to say that I’m so important that I’m affecting her— it’s the opposite, I think. I’m so boring and so much work to be with, that naturally she doesn’t seek out my company. It’s hard to be around someone like me, someone who is not happy, someone who has not “drunk the kool-aid”.
She told me that after she started living with her boyfriend she got mad at him for how ungrateful he is about his life. She called him out on it, which, okay, fair enough— but then she told me that she made him list five things he’s grateful for every night for a week, and that was really appalling to me— I thought to myself, “Where do you get the nerve to demand that from him?” I didn’t say this to her, but it stuck out in my mind because it really outlined our different views on the world.
I believe that people need to want to change in order for change to happen, you can’t force it on them, even if you’re well intentioned, even if you’re right. I think that she could have encouraged him to join her in her nightly declaration, so that he could choose for himself and then not feel forced or bad or pressured.
Maybe I’m just a stubborn Taurus, but it’s really important for me to choose things for myself instead of being forced to do them. It makes all the difference in the world.
So back to today, where I see all her friends and art and things she’s doing without me and try really hard not to feel bad, try not to internalize the fact that she doesn’t want to spend what free time she does have with me.