I haven’t seen Kay yet. She came back sometime after I left for my appointment but was gone again before I went to work. I guess I’ll see what happens in a little while.
I’m not as distraught as I was before. I realized that not only had I not left the apartment yesterday, I forgot to eat dinner, so I was already not at my emotional best and her silence combined with her absence definitely caused my paranoia to skyrocket. I’m calmer about it now. I’m going to ride it out and see how it plays out. I was thinking about if I could get a higher paying part time job, I could still do the freelance and maaaaybe swing paying for her half of the rent myself, if my mother will agree to pay for my groceries every once in a while.
I did my taxes today and I’m getting a very small refund, but I decided to put it into an “emergency move out” fund. I also decided to only buy coffee on tuesdays and put the rest of that money towards the fund. I need to be ready if she pulls the plug.
Let’s hope she comes home tonight so we can talk. I guess I’ll test the waters with “Hi” and “how are you?” That’s all I can do at this point. :\
Well. It’s 1:30 in the morning and Kay’s not back yet, which makes me think she’s staying in east bay tonight because the last BART is at midnight. Or who knows?
Should I text her? What if something’s happened to her? What if she stays away the whole weekend?
There’s a huge pile of clothes on her bed, does that mean she’d been packing? Her toothbrush is still there.
So much for talking to her tonight. I should be enjoying the apartment all to myself. Instead I can’t stop worrying that she’s staying away to avoid me.
I guess I won’t text her. If she’s staying over Van’s then I’ll be waking her up. If she’s in the city then she could be out still. But I want to text her because I’m anxious. Maybe I’ll just ask her if she’s coming home tonight? If it wakes her up serves her right for not saying something.
I had thought to talk to my roommate about what’s going on, but I didn’t see her all of yesterday and I just found out that she’s at out with our former roommate at a concert. I only know this because our former roommate posted about it on facebook.
Which means who knows when she’ll be back.
I made the mistake of calling my mother. I cried on the phone to her as I told her what she was going on. I told her I was worried that she was going to try to move out and then I’d be screwed. We’d all have to move. A studio in the city goes for $2000 now.
She said, “Well, you have to talk to her” and “You can move back home” and “I don’t know what you want me to do” and “You’re making yourself upset” and “I wouldn’t have let it get this bad.”
She never listens to me. She never understands what I’m saying. I just told her how I can’t talk to someone who isn’t there. I told her I’d been trying to coax her out for the past few weeks. And then she blames me. It’s obviously my fault that Kay isn’t talking to me.
Thanks for all the sympathy mom. I even called her out on it. I said, “you don’t have any sympathy for me do you?” and I don’t even know what she thought I said because her answer was “Well, what do you want me to do?”
I wanted some sympathy, that’s really all I wanted. I wanted to go to my mother and have her comfort me and instead I got your feelings aren’t valid and it’s your fault anyway. I wanted you to know that I was having a hard time because I thought you’d want to know that someone who you supposedly love is hurting emotionally.
I don’t fucking have anyone. I don’t have anyone who loves me. I am so sad and lonely. I’m so sick of struggling.
types of anxiety disorders // what is panic disorder? // panic disorder & agoraphobia // tips to cope with a panic attack // 3 ways to help someone having a panic attack // 4 things you shouldn’t say to someone having a panic attack // what is obsessive compulsive disorder? // more on ocd // coping with ocd // living with someone who has ocd // what is post-traumatic stress disorder? // coping with ptsd // 10 tips for understanding someone with ptsd //what is social anxiety disorder? // coping with social anxiety disorder // how worrying affects the bodyCALMING DOWN
wikihow // helpful tips // 3 practices to calm an anxious mind // how-to guide // creating your mind palace // 3 breathing exercises // 6 breathing exercises // yoga bunny // meditation for beginners // about meditation // yoga with connie bowman // 20 minute yoga routine // yoga to make you happy // guided meditationMASTERPOSTS
back to school // helpful websites // happy things // feel good things // college survival // a lil bit of everything // a really big masterpost // music masterpost // diy home spa // coping skills & distractions // for bad days // bad day remediesBLOGS
yogaholics // killyouranxiety // thatanxietyblog // lets-beat-mental-illness // recoverykitty // yogis-yoginis // healthylifestylechoice // happier-soon // rising.co.vu // catfromhell // you-can-just-breathe (trigger warning: autoplay) // recovery-in-pink // forescent // recoverytreeMUSIC
note to self. // good feelings // coffee shop acoustic // bubble baths, coffee and hardback books // rad covers // a little bit of everything // good morning // breathe // acoustic // conquer school // wheels on the road // choose happy // coffee shop tunes // my faves // good vibes // late winter nights // lovely quiet // overwhelmed // tonight you’re perfect // random [feel]goodies // rewind // crawling back to you // sleepy tunesRELAXING NOISESOTHER
make a grounding box // top 10 essential oils to relieve anxiety // personal care products from walgreens // aromatherapy // 19 natural remedies for anxiety // lots and lots of sweaters // stuffed animals // books (free) // used books for 1 cent // electric blankets // soft pillows
More crying today. At my desk. On the walk to work. At work. After work in the back room. During dinner.
My emotions go to extremes from minute to minute. My mental health is not good right now. I am in a very bad place.
Found out the freelance guy hired another illustrator so it’s only a matter of time before he stops offering me work. The new girl is so much more experienced and a batter drawer than me.
I keep reminding myself that I’m an animator too so even if the design work dries up, I’ll have that for a little while.
I tried to think that maybe I could learn from her before I get the ax. But this made me very afraid. I looked for jobs last week and there were literally none in my area. Not even a “we’re not hiring but always looking”. Jobs are grim, scarce.
I’m going to sob at my therapy tomorrow. I have to remember to bring my own Kleenex because I’ll feel bad if I use all if hers.
I try not to get upset but then my stomach clenches and I shake despite what I am telling myself, that it’s fine, no big deal, but my body betrays me every time. I’m so tired of all of this I wish I could sleep for a hundred years.
Oh man. I am in pitiable shape. I have to get this design done and all I can do is cry in the bathroom. And I’m at home by myself right now.
Every time I get myself under control I think about something that makes me cry again.
I hate how pathetic I am. I feel so much anger and despair right now. I wish I could just this part off like my appendix or my tonsils. I don’t need to feel this way, doc, so just cut it out.
I don’t know what to do. my roommate came back this evening around 9pm. She came in our room, I said “hi” to her and she said hi back and then she grabbed her things and took a shower.
My stomach started hurting again because I got the sense that she is mad at me still.
Then she came back and crawled into her bed.
So I asked her if she was going to sleep and she mumbled something, so as I was turning off the overhead light and switching on a smaller one I said, “is that a yes?” and she said “I’m reading” (on her kindle).
So then I asked her if everything was okay and she said, “yeah.” And now it’s just this awful silence. I get that she’s reading but this is not how it used to be. She used to ask me how I am and it used to be comfortable and now all I can feel is this terrible anxiety when she’s here, in my stomach.
I went into the living room for a few minutes to put a few things away and decided to sit on the couch, just to see if I could calm myself. But then my mind wandered and I started thinking about my Dad and I cried a little and I realized that this feeling that I have right now that she’s making me feel is how I used to feel when my father would come home in a bad mood and we had to be silent lest we wake the volcano.
I wanted to say, “Are you sure everything is ok because it doesn’t seem like it.” but I am afraid like how I used to be afraid of angering my dad. She gets mad for such stupid reasons and I cannot stand the silent treatment.
She’s not going to say anything else to me tonight. I probably won’t talk to her until tomorrow night, when she comes home late after work when she won’t share with me where she’s been or how she is or ask about me and when I ask her, she’ll stick to her one word answers like she has been for weeks.