Well. My boss hired my replacement. It’s difficult not to feel a tad upset. Obviously he had to so that I can do the internship, but it’s still hard to be replaced. Will they like her better? Will she do a better job than me? Does this mean I can never come back? Letting go of my part time job is necessary. I can’t move forward if I keep holding on. But I am afraid. What...
Been roller coasting again. My birthday was good this year. I’m old enough now that nobody asked me how old I am, so that was a relief. I can pretend I’m still young. I worked all day, but after I had a small gathering of my five favorite people and we had Tapas at this wonderful place in the mission. It was perfect, no spectacle. I’ve spent so much money lately— new shoes for the new job, new...
My birthday is Tuesday. I’m laying here in bed on the last night of this year and I’m not really sure how I feel. The year has flown by. Not much has changed, though soon I can mark a +1 in the career column. I just want the internship to start already. I realized that I have not had a full time job since 2006. This is going to be quite a change for me. I’m also still...
I’m all out of sorts. Crawled into bed because I just want the day to end. The day got away from me. I feel tired and restless and overwhelmed all at the same time. I did things today that I had no plan for and then was lost for the rest of the day. Saw my former DH today and he outed me about my internship to a group of people. It wasn’t a big deal but since then I’ve...
Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two →
This is the best explanation of what depression is like that I have ever read. Seriously. The entire essay I was thinking, Yes. Yes, this. Exactly this. Especially the part about thinking about how I’m supposed to respond, the faces I’m supposed to be making to match the response I’m supposed to be feeling. “I had so very few feelings, and everyone else had so...
With friends like these
Listen to this. So, I had another crazy awful crit again. This time I didn’t get as upset but I still got really mad. (The Law keeps contradicting herself and then acts surprised when I make the changes she requested.) I decided to implore my working Facebook friends for advice on how to deal with difficult directors, you know ask the experienced about their methods of coping. Got...
Why am I so awkward? This is the hardest thing for me. My heart is still jittery, tight, in my throat. Walking fast helps. Glad I did it, though I could only stay an hour. Could only stand to stay an hour. Walking as I write this. Feeling better the farther I get away, the closer to home. Walking helps.
Anxiety in 3... 2...
On a bus on my way to see some people from my grad school days. Feeling my heart fluttering and feeling like I’m going to puke. I hate these people. I’m going because its the first invite I’ve had in a while. And… The jealous bitch in me wants to brag a little about my internship. But only if they ask me about what I’m doing now. Or if they put down the bookstore...
21 Awkward Moments That Artists & Illustrators... →
People who draw are often painfully self-conscious. These moments do not help. God. This is my life, like ALL of it, but especially: 1, 4, 6, 7, 9, 13, 14, 18
I think I figured something out. So last week I saw my therapist and we talked a little about how I was an angry teenager but with no outlet. I was so angry all the time about how trapped I felt and was, at the time, unable to understand why I felt that way. (Most of it had to do with how controlled I was by my parents and how ill equipped I was for adult life and how frightened that made me,...
The struggle continues
Well I woke up. I’m less hysterical but no less heartbroken. I’m on a bus on my way to work because I was so late leaving my apartment that I couldn’t walk there in time. That happens when you cry all morning. It sucks having roommates because you can’t cry when you want to so it had to wait all night until now. I’m trying to be more rational now but I still think I’m going to run up to...
I am a big huge failure. I am sucking at this animation gig. I cannot do what the director wants. I’m not good enough to do it. I don’t see the problems that she sees. I don’t understand how i’m supposed to make the changes she wants. I deleted everything and tried to do what she wanted but it looks like shit and i don’t know how to make it right. I rewatched...
I think I might cry. Feeling tears welling up, getting that rumbly feeling in my stomach. Been missing my father. And being angry with him. Been missing my mother and being homesick. Wishing to break free of my monotone life. I desperately want to travel as if changing the scenery will change my life and my problems. Maybe I will go somewhere Thursday-Friday before my internship starts....
And everything's gone pear shaped
Feeling strange these past few days, like on the edge of irritability and restlessness. Met with some of my ukulele gals yesterday and the practice turned into a gab session about lack of jobs. I told them that I was going to give up on 3D because of my lack of luck in it and the state of the industry right now (it’s a train wreck, fyi) and I was trying to segway into “I’m...
No good very bad mood
Ugh. In a terrible mood. It took forever to do my bit for the production project and my roommate came home early and now I can’t do any of the things I had planned with her home. I cannot draw with her in the room because she can see my screen and that inhibits me, AND she talks to me while I’m trying to work. Sometimes it’s not so bad but right now I’m in bad spirits...
This is why I can't have nice things
I’ve been slowly telling people about my summer internship. I am equal parts proud and guilty about it. Even when I have something good coming down the pipeline, I can’t seem to accept feelings of pride without having guilt about it… like, who am I to brag? I just got lucky. I’m not so great. It could be taken away in the blink of an eye. You don’t really deserve...
I am sitting at a cafe having a sit down breakfast before my long work shift. I decided to treat myself. I’m in the middle of a hellish work week, covering extra shifts, dealing with this production project which is a month overdue. I’ve also agreed to take on an animation role, which, *yay*, but the animation director (who i shall call “the law”) has already been...
the pancake prince: ghostheart: Seven Things... →
ghostheart: Seven Things Anxiety Sufferers Would Like Their Loved Ones to Know sourache: Many people with anxiety suffer in silence. They worry that friends and relatives will not understand, will judge or ridicule them. Instead of trying to explain, they shy away, withdrawal or…
My new roommate arrives tomorrow. We just found out today that the management company is raising the rent for the first time ever. I’m not sure what to tell her. I mean, the fair thing is to split the increase three ways. But I’m afraid she’s going to think we lied to her about the price and will refuse to pay it. Why couldn’t they have let us know the rent was...
I should keep this to myself but I am bursting to tell someone: they offered me the art internship! I CANNOT BELIEVE IT. When I get off work I have to go home and sign all the paperwork and then it will be official. :)
Oh my god you guys… I just got a call from the place I interviewed at and they’re fact checking me. I might be… close to getting this thing? They wouldn’t be fact checking if they didn’t like me for the job… right?
Been applying to jobs and keep getting nothing except rejection notices, but I think the crowning moment of awful this week was sitting down at my part time job for my yearly review. I will preface this by saying I have worked for this company for five years, have had two “yearly” reviews (including the one this week) and one raise in all that time. My review was glowing. I couldn’t have gotten...
Well. My interview is over. I think it went ok. It was over really quickly. I forgot to ask for business cards or what the next step is, but the creative director said we’d be in touch. I’m going to email them all with a thank you for interviewing me note. They all wanted to keep my portfolio and one said it was very impressive. So I liked that. Now we wait and see.
Here we go
T-minus 99 minutes before my interview. I’m on the bus to catch a train to catch another bus to walk to my doom. I mean, interview. I’m getting nervous. I’m worried what they’re going to expect of me. What if they don’t like me? What if I can’t do the job? What if they test me? Draw this. Use flash. Why is a raven like a writing desk?
I have my on site interview tomorrow. I am more worried about getting lost or being unable to find the entrance than I am about the interview itself. Priorities, I have none. Actually I think it’s right on par with my GAD to worry about not being able to get into the place rather than the interview itself because normal people would not be worried about going through the right door. They...
Are you kidding me? I wake up 20 minutes early which is really hard for me, to get a start on the day and while I’m fumbling with my phone to turn off the alarm, my roommate gets up and gets to the bathroom first. Un-fucking-believable. She’s been in there fifteen minutes already, so much for getting ready early. I’m just like, I guess I’m going to have to wake up an...
Feeling restless. My interview is in one day. None of my “professional clothes” fit me. So I opted for a polka dot dress with a sweater. It’s cute if not “business”. It’s an interview for an art internship so I’m hoping I have some leeway here. I don’t have any money for a new outfit. I looked, but there was nothing I saw in my price bracket that looked “professional”. I worry that this will make...
the pancake prince: what it is like to live with... →
blankslate: 1. no one ever congratulates you for doing the really difficult things like driving on the freeway or getting out of bed or staying alive 2. every friendship you make is a countdown to the moment when they finally can’t deal with the missed calls and canceled hangouts every…
So, I just got home from uke practice and there’s an email from the company that they want to schedule an on-site interview with me next week! Holy shit. The creative director said they were going to schedule on-site interviews around mid-April… I don’t know if this is a good sign or a bad sign but I’m thrilled to have passed the first “test”. The second...
So, Van actually came through for me. Because she asked after my application and pushed for me, I had a phone screen interview with her company for that internship that I’m technically not eligible for. The creative director liked my portfolio, so I guess that makes me eligible again :) Now I’m waiting to see if I made the cut for an on site interview. Keep your fingers crossed....
I don’t want to get up. I want to lay in bed and sleep forever. I just want everything to go away.
Today, after weeks and weeks of work, I finished off my portfolio and applied to that art internship for the summer where Van works. I was happy for about 45 minutes. And then Van texted me and said that they were looking for recent graduates fresh out of school. The requirements said BFA or MFA in related field, which, check on both degrees. The job description didn’t say “must be...
I was going to write a whole thing about what happened today and instead I’ll simply say that things haven’t worked out yet. It’s stressful and I am tired.
I’ve been off all day. I didn’t have a chance to get coffee this morning and on top of I’m still fighting off a cold just felt blah all day. I haven’t quite gotten sick yet, but I felt feverish earlier and I’m tired in that “my body is fighting off infection” kind of way. We haven’t found a roommate but Kay has finally stepped up and started...
I have not left my apartment in two days. I can see how easy it would be for me to become a shut in. I didn’t actually talk to anyone today either. Kay got laid off from her job on Thursday and decided to leave for three days to see her boyfriend. I’m glad she’s gone because when she gets back she’s going to be here all the time. Her coming home early on Thursday was...
I don't know
I dreamed about you last night like I haven’t done in many many months. You were handsome as ever but your mouth was pulled tight into a straight livid line. I wiped my hands on a dish rag and beckoned you to sit down at the table. You did but almost as if pushed into the chair by an unseen force. You kept saying “I don’t understand” and you were clearly agitated,...
Man. The guy declined our offer. We have 9 days to find somebody or I don’t know how I’m going to pay my rent.
I’m having oscillating emotions again— one minute I’m fine and the next I’m freaking out about employment— then i’m fine again and then I’m freaking out about my roommate situation. It’s very confusing for my nervous system. Van has finally moved out (and that means her uninvited live-in boyfriend has also moved out). Kay and I have interviewed a...
Went to a concert tonight that I was 100% peer pressured into going to. It’s not that I didn’t like it, I did, but the idea of it was so unappealing to me. My former department head, whom I once truly loved, organized the trip with his “favorites”. So i had to go because the thought of missing it made my jealousy monster rear its ugly head. DH decided to get us front...
This has been the most stressed out I have been in a while. My anxiety pangs from yesterday did not go away. And now my roommate is mad at me for something and is ignoring me, which is what she does when she’s mad. I don’t know what I did. Last night she came home late, mumbled something to me and then crawled directly into bed. This morning when I got up for work she said nothing to me....
Dreadful Day Put to Bed
Today was awful. On my way home from work, Comcast called me to say that my roommate had switched over services into my name and needed to verify my information. He said it would take 20 minutes. Three hours and five Comcast representatives later, it was finally completed. There were so many problems (none of which were my fault) and I got handed over to so many different people, the call...