The Sea Jar

Apr 15

Being selfish, day 2

I’m not going to post everyday, but it’s a new thing so I figure I gotta keep it up for a while to build the habit.

Things I’ve done for myself today: applied to yet another job and rocked an online sale to replace some staples. My shirts have holes in them and the straps are fraying on my camis. It’s time for some new things.

I also plan on hitting up the shoe store tonight on my walk home from work.  I’ve been saying I need sneakers for three years now and I just keep putting it off. I’ve asked for sneakers for the past two Christmas’ and I never get them, so it’s time to put these on the credit card.

I haven’t been paid for freelancing since February.  They technically have until the 24th to pay me when it will officially be 30 days since I sent the invoice.  There are actually two invoices outstanding and after tomorrow there will be three. I’m really hoping that I get paid this week because then I will be able to pay my credit card bills and no interest will accrue.  Did I mention that freelancing sucks?  

I’m not sure what I should do for myself tomorrow, but I do have that haircut scheduled.  I’m thinking bangs (or fringe, whatever) since it’ll be a visible change but I can still keep my long hair.

I’ve got to start thinking about some cheaper things I can do for myself. I’m thinking maybe adding something physical into the mix or maybe doing a closet purge. I don’t have much, but I do have a lot of really old things that I am hanging onto for one reason or another.  I always feel amazing after reorganizing. I’ll take suggestions?

Apr 14

Being Selfish, day 1

Well, I’m not sure what exactly I’m supposed to be doing but it’s only day one.  So far, I’ve worked on some non-work drawing, answered a few tumblr messages and watched the latest GOT episode that I didn’t get to watch last night. I’m still pissed at my roommates about it, but I haven’t decided if I’m going to say anything. I don’t think I should, I think I should just focus on what I want to do next.

I scheduled a hair appointment for Wednesday. I know I want to make a huge change in my life and since I don’t know what that’s going to be yet, I figured I’d start with a haircut.  

Nothing drastic since I the one thing I know for sure is that I want longer hair, but whenever I get it cut, I feel pretty, so that’s what I’m doing.  I haven’t had my hair cut since last May, so it’s been almost a year and definitely needs a trim.

I’m still really angry, so a lot of my ideas on what I want to do are “fuck you”s to my roommates. And that’s a problem because they’re not paying attention to me (and why should they) so my pettiness will be in vain. It solves nothing and will not appease me. 

I at least know that if I want this to work, I have to do things that will make me happy, not piss off other people or try to get their attention.  

I have to make myself understand that nobody cares about me except for me. That’s the goal of this. I think that if I finally accept that truth, then maybe I’ll get out of this rut and really start living for myself. I won’t be what anyone else wants and I’ll know what I want, because I’ll only focus on what I want.  I want to be the most selfish shit on the planet. Because they’re the happiest. They get what they want out of life. They trample on people and don’t flinch.  I’m sick of being trampled on. I’ve never in my life wanted to be the “bad person” but somehow I always feel like I am anyway, and yet reap no benefits from it, only guilt and a feeling of being betrayed everyone and the world. 

Maybe if I can just approach my life with this attitude of “me first”, I won’t feel lonely because I’ve accepted it and I won’t hate myself anymore because my life will be all about my own happiness. 

Nice guys finish last

I was sitting on the floor watching the premiere of Mad Men by myself when I decided that I am just going to go for it and be as selfish as I can be from now on.

Both of my roommates were out. About three hours earlier I had texted them both because I saw that the next episode of Game of Thrones was on HBO go already.

I’m not really into GOT all that much but we three had watched it all together last season and since I’m the one with access to HBO go, I thought I’d be considerate and wait watch it with them.

Well Kay texted back “I’m hanging out with friends” and C didn’t reply at all.

So I didn’t watch it because I figured they’d want to and we could watch it together.

Well, C comes back and tells me she watched it at a friend’s house and Kay was doing the same thing, although she didn’t tell me because she doesn’t talk to me anymore.

And now the only one SOL is me.

Neither bothered to tell me at 7;30 when I texted them so that I could watch it on my own. I’m not bothered that they watched it without me. What bothers me is that they didn’t think about my needs and that maybe I might want to see it. All they had to say was “I’m watching it with friends.”

And I kind of decided that from now on I’m going to try to do whatever I want when ever I want. Fuck other people.

Nobody gives a shit about me, so why should I be considerate? I’m the one who gets screwed.

I’ve noticed that C does whatever she wants and now Kay is doing it too. Neither of them consider how their actions affect me (or each other).

And a lot of my misery stems from this. I do or do not do things based upon the people around me. I’m constantly thinking about others and if what I do will affect them.

This is obviously behavior leftover from childhood, trying to appease the volcano that was my father.

I don’t know what I want. I know it’s going to be difficult to figure out. But I’m going to try to do exactly as I please for a while.

Since I was a kid, I’ve always had thoughts “if I do this, then that will show them” when I’m upset. But the thing is it never worked because nobody ever gave a shit about me and my efforts at martyrdom (which I learned from my mother).

So, I’m going to spend some time figuring out what I want to do, even if it’s stupid stuff like “eat a donut” or “wear pink socks” or whatever.

My new motto is going to be, “fuck you.”

Apr 12

unlikeable

My heart is heavy today with anxiety and hurt feelings.  As Kay continues to ignore me and avoid me I just feel worse and worse. 

She’s always posting things on her facebook about staying positive and and being the best person you can be and not letting others drag you down and part of me wonders if this is because I am so awful to her that she needs these things to bolster her.

I know everything isn’t always about me.  But the part of me that worries about things thinks that I must be so negative and such a downer and font of poison that it’s no wonder that i am alone in this life.  It must be me who chased her away.

It’s my fault she’s doing this but I don’t know how to be any different. 

I know I’m not always nice and being around someone constantly is very hard for me. I try to be good. I try not to behave badly.  But I guess in the end I fail. I feel like I ruin everything.

I should be enjoying this time alone and instead I am overwrought with anxiety and self loathing. I keep thinking that if I could just do what she does and not be bothered by anyone or anything and just focus on myself, then I’d be a lot happier. If I could just forget everyone and everything. 

I keep thinking, “What do I want?” and I don’t know.  I don’t know what I want.  Everyone is making decisions and moving forward with their lives and I feel I am stuck in place. I don’t even know what I like anymore. I’m not interested in music or television or fashion and the art I used to like barely interests me now.  I’m not sure who I am or what I’m doing and I don’t know how to fix it. I really wish I had a mentor, someone I could call and ask advice, someone who would push me to do things and care about me.  I guess that’s something I want: a person who really cares about me. 

Kay left for her dance class today at 9am and the class was over hours ago. She’s probably staying away until I have to leave for work at 3pm.  And she’ll be gone when I return from work. 

Apr 11

If you have an anxiety disorder or know someone who does check this out. -

xbox-one-official:

this isn’t a self-help book, this is practically medicine. literally, my doctor prescribed this to me instead of medicine.

image

written about 50 years ago by now, claire weekes (who had one of these things herself) wrote this book which covers phobias, general anxiety disorders, dissociative…

Difficulty

Today was fraught with difficulty.

Wake up a little after seven by one roommate frantically texting me because there’s a homeless man sleeping in our hallway. My other roommate was up and called the cops while I emailed our landlord. This man was laying face down, blocking the stairs. My other roommate had to step over him to get by so she could make her bus to get to work.

My therapist called me last night to cancel our appointment because she’s sick.

I got up and made popovers to take to my friend’s place for breakfast. Except I got all they way to her apartment and she’s texts me that she’s at my place. We never got to my place because it’s a hole and I’m embarrassed to have people over.

So we agree to meet at a park that’s halfway between us and when I get there she’s on the phone on a job interview. (Yes, it’s that same friend from earlier in the week who was like, “I don’t like the job you’re interviewing me for” and got the fucking job interview.) they’re going to fly her to Canada to tour the place. I was trying not to be put off at our mixed up communication and then having to sit and listen while she went on an interview.

Our picnic breakfast was not a disaster. After that I went back to my apartment and started to work on some freelance and actually had the wherewithal to cook a decent lunch. Which turned out to be my smartest move all day since I was so stressed with freelance I didn’t get to eat dinner.

Freelance was a disaster. Flash is the dumbest animation program. I don’t know who it’s designed for, but its not for character animators that’s for sure.

So while I’m in the middle of an 8 hour pulling my hair out in frustration session, Kay comes home with friends to show off our apartment. We share a bedroom, it’s a pit of despair and I’m mortified that strangers are coming into the room while I’m not only stressed out but my beds not made and there is stuff everywhere. Our room looks insane. Kay has had piles of clothes and boxes on the floor since the day we moved in. It looks like we’re hoarders. My side of the room was not neat because I was not expecting company and generally I clean once a week on Sundays.

So then Kay leaves again and I managed to get three things off my plate, but when Kay returns it’s back to the dreaded nearly silent one word answers treatment. She’s not talking to me again and I just can’t stand it. I asked her if she had fun with her friends and it’s “yeah.” And then silence Nothing else she wanted to add or share with me.

I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth and ended up crying quietly for 15 minutes. And then of course when I emerged, Kay immediately went in without saying a word to me and when she came out she crawled onto bed without saying a word.

Today was emotionally difficult for me. A normal person would have not had any trouble coping with the relatively minor events of the day, but for me it was very hard.

The spiteful part of me wants to say fuck you and your goddamned games to Kay. Part of me wants to give her the silent treatment, but I know I’ll never win it. Kay does whatever the fuck she wants without ever thinking about how it will affect me. We share a room. It’s hard to share a room with someone who is ambivalent towards you.

I wish it didn’t bother me. I wish I could just do what makes me happy without worrying about anyone else. I wish I could be selfish and not have guilt over it.

Apr 08

Not a great day

I don’t know what to do.

I always call my mother for support and I always regret it. I called her to tell her I can’t stop crying and how awful I feel about not having a real job and being generally undesirable to men at large.

She decides that now would be a great time to talk about how great she feels now that she’s landed a new job at a college and to tell me about her new boyfriend.

Awesome. Way to comfort your daughter. I know I should be happy for her, that her life is pretty put together.  But mine is a mess and it’s really hard for me to be happy when the two areas I am suffering in are the two areas she chose to brag about.

I really miss my dad.  He was a lot of things, I have a lot of emotional problems because of him. But at least he understood me.

futile

I am having the hardest time today. I’ve cried twice in 90 minutes. I have no love for anyone or anything today, especially myself. I see couples holding hands or women with kids and I just hate them all because those are two ways in which I am a complete and total failure in life.

I don’t live in a world where it’s okay to be childless and alone. Oh, and add no career on top of it and I should just be dead for all that I matter in this world. 

I am in such a rut and I’ve been in one for a long time and I don’t know how to get out of it.  I just wish someone would tell me what to do. How do I fix myself? There are literally hundreds of things wrong with me and I’m so overwhelmed I don’t know where to start or even what to do or how to do anything.

Everything takes time or money, of which I have neither.

I got rejected from all the jobs I applied for and even though I was expecting that, I guess I still had a tiny bit of hope. This is the worst. 

I feel like the most unlucky jerk who ever lived. I was talking a friend yesterday and she had a job interview where she flat out told them that she didn’t really like doing the job she was interviewing for and that she thought the job was in California instead of Canada and didn’t want to move to Canada and the interviewer set her up for a second goddamned interview!

What the fuck? I asked her how she did that she was like, “oh, I guess I don’t like no for an answer.” And that made me feel like complete shit, like it’s somehow my fault that they companies send me email rejections. I’m just like… how do you get a guy to want you when you’ve told him that you don’t like what he’s selling and you totally fucked up on the location of the job?

If I did that it would be end of interview, goodbye, but for her, it’s like she has the option of declining. I just do not understand.

Self-loathing at record high and climbing.

Mar 31

How Captain America'€™s Chris Evans Finally Got Tired of Being Famous -

sarahjhuynh:

vitalemontea:

bemusedlybespectacled:

geekbap:

motivatedslacker:

velocipedestrienne:

This is, like, the saddest timeline I’ve ever read. Really interesting, but man, I feel bad for him.

Aw. I just want to give him a hug. :(

I really admire people who can be this transparent.

I just want to find him a thunder blanket and some cocoa. Poor sweetie.

I have  a feeling Chris Pine isn’t far behind…

February 2010

After the long casting search for an actor to play the title role in Captain America comes to naught (actors like John Krasinski, Ryan Phillippe, and Sebastian Stan were among the contenders), Marvel executives consider Chris Evans. They’d previously dismissed the actor since he’d already starred as a superhero in two Fantastic Four movies, but they approach him anyway … and he turns down the role. The initial sticking point is Marvel’s demand that any actor who films a test audition for the company must sign a contract committing to nine films. “In a few years, what if I don’t want to act anymore?” Evans recalled of that stipulation. “What if I just want to — I don’t know — do something else?” He later told Variety that he worried “if these movies take off and do very well, and my life changes and I don’t respond well, I don’t have the opportunity to say, listen, I need a fucking break. That just scared me.”

March 2010

Marvel execs amend their approach, offering Evans a six-film contract instead. They also deputize team player Robert Downey Jr. to woo Evans into the fold. “I remember getting on the phone with him and strongly suggesting that he not shrink away from the offer,” Downey revealed. “I said, ‘Look man, you might not like the fact that you’ve played one of these guys before, but you know, the thing is this can afford you all sorts of other freedoms.’” Finally, Evans accepts the role … and promptly enters “panic mode,” enrolling in therapy.

May 2012

The Avengers is released. It is huge. Evans seems more morose than ever. "I’ve made about 20 movies," he says, "and I’m probably proud of three."

March 4, 2014

Evans begins to hint at a hiatus from performing. ‘“I think when I’m done with this Marvel contract, I’ll take a little break from acting,” he says.

March 25, 2014

Suddenly, that little break has turned into permanent retirement. “If I’m acting at all, it’s going to be under Marvel contract, or I’m going to be directing,” Evans says. “I can’t see myself pursuing acting strictly outside of what I’m contractually obligated to do.” How long will he remain under contract? “[Avengers: Age of Ultron] will shoot till August. I wouldn’t be surprised if for all of 2015, we didn’t do a movie. I bet by 2017, I’ll be done,” he tells Variety, before grunting, “That sounds so far away.”

…Poor guy! D:

(via nooby-banana)

Mar 29

aspergersissues:

tastefullyoffensive:

[gemmacorrell]

I finally found one of these for me!

aspergersissues:

tastefullyoffensive:

[gemmacorrell]

I finally found one of these for me!

(via triumphwithoutstruggle)