So things with the blind date boy didn’t work out. We went on a second date and I just asked him for a third and he said he didn’t want to pursue something romantically with me. Which is fair, I guess.
When we parted after the second date, I felt something was off, but I thought maybe it was just me being inept and weird. I should know by now to trust my instincts. I knew then he wasn’t into me but thought maybe I was just paranoid.
Disappointing for sure. I really liked him, not in a “oh he’s the one” kind of way, but a “maybe this could be something” kind of way. It was nice to feel like a normal person for a little while at least.
I can’t help but feel a bit let down because the hope of finding someone is always there when you go on a date. Part of me is like, “Of course, what did you expect? Who would want you?” and the other part of me is saying, “Oh, stop being dramatic.” I can’t seem to find a happy balance.
I dunno. Perfect timing I guess. Tomorrow would have been a terrible day to find out.
Fucking anxiety. Why can’t I have a normal brain?
I just had my second date with my setup guy. I really like him, but we ended awkwardly. I wanted him to kiss my cheek and he didn’t so it was a strange press of checks together. I am obsessing that I am now an idiot or that maybe the date didn’t go as we’ll for him as it did for me.
I am trying to forget about it because I feel stupid and inexperienced. This is a source of anxiety for me, being discovered that I am stupid and very green.
I am at the movies right now and later I will have dinner with my coworker and her friends.
Hope you find happiness today.
I am roller coasting again. It took two days for my emotions to equalize and yesterday I was feeling pretty good. But today my happiness took a sharp dip into despair. I don’t know why.
I think it started because I was working on a painting and I had to stop to go to my bookstore job and I felt rushed and frustrated and then I started to get angry. And by the time I got to the store I was somewhere between fury and heartbreak, felt anxious for sure.
I almost cried three times while my manager was here. She asked me to “use my talents” to make a sign for the store and I got even angrier. They don’t want to pay me a living wage and now they want free design work simply because I am talented and I happen work here.
I kept thinking about how I had to stop doing what I loved so I can go work a job that’s demeaning, does not respect me and does not pay my bills, and then was asked to work for free.
The manager let me go for a break before she left for the night and I got some tea and ate a little french roll and now I do feel better, suddenly more relaxed, not quite so despairing.
Could it be that I simply need to regulate my blood sugar? I ate lunch before I went. I don’t know. My dad was a diabetic so I understand how low blood sugar can affect moods.
I don’t know. I just know that I don’t like it.
I am having such a tough time today. Ugly thoughts of “wasted life” and “what’s the point of anything” keeping my mind occupied today.
I just want to cry or scream or break something but instead I lay here quietly brooding.
Not a good day.
I am sure you all are dying to know how my date went.
It was fine. Easy, nothing to worry about. He was very sweet and we had a nice conversation. I’m not sure if he liked me but I’m interested in meeting up again.
It was a bit awkward in that I’m sitting across from someone who I just met and we’re trying to figure out right off the bat if we want to date each other. It’s hard and a bit uncomfortable. In the end I just talked and smiled big and basically used all the tricks I’ve developed to pretend I’m a normal person who knows how to enjoy herself.
He was shocked when I told him I am a shy, introverted person. I get this shocked, "Really?" a lot from people.
Because I am really good at faking it. I figured out that nobody likes neurotic people, so I learned to smile all the time. I’m 100% uncomfortable in social situations but I just pretend that everything’s fine. I think that’s maybe why I don’t like to drink because it takes a bit of control to make sure my face has all the right expressions on it.
As predicted, I am filled with such relief that I got through it. I am so terribly out of it today. Restless. Tired. I feel like I’ve been hit in the face with a baseball bat, got a tension headache behind my eyes. I’m pretty sure it’s from all the energy it takes combatting anxiety.
But, trying to look for good things— I went on a date. So that’s something.
Waiting for the bus to take me to my doom. I mean date.
I hate anxiety.
I have a date tomorrow. It’s a set up, a blind date. We’re meeting for coffee. I’ve never gone on a set up before. I’m not really ready to go on a date.
I have too many things to fix. I want to lose ten pounds and get a good job and have nice clothes and a nice apartment. I want to have interests that other people have or at least have enough knowledge to have a conversation about it.
Instead I feel like a mess. Very rough around the edges. I don’t know what to say to this guy. Like, I’m so boring all I do is work and scribble in photoshop. I don’t like anything. I’m not into games or sports or fitness ( he likes these things) I’m going to have to fake one of these things at least.
I almost feel bad for the guy because he thinks he’s walking in on a potential new girlfriend. Instead he’s getting me, who is so weird and non-normal.
I’m going because I don’t want to waste his time. My eager friend set this up and we texted one night and he asked if I felt comfortable getting coffee. I said yes because I don’t want this guy to text me thinking I’m something I’m not. I want him to meet me and make his decisions from there.
Insecure much? I’m awful.
(And I suppose that I might not even like him… )