Been roller coasting again. My birthday was good this year. I’m old enough now that nobody asked me how old I am, so that was a relief. I can pretend I’m still young.
I worked all day, but after I had a small gathering of my five favorite people and we had Tapas at this wonderful place in the mission. It was perfect, no spectacle.
I’ve spent so much money lately— new shoes for the new job, new printer, bills, gifts, my annual perfume purchase.
I have fear. I’m afraid that something is going to happen to mess up the internship. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to cut it. I’m just anxious about the change this is going to bring to my life.
Right now I work between 21 and 28 hours a week and when I start in June it’ll be 45 hours, six days a week. I’ve been thinking that this will be my first full time gig since 2006. And I have guilt. I don’t know why.
Things are not terrible right now. It’s like whenever I realize I’m feeling good, I then feel guilty for feeling good. Why? Why can’t I have good feelings without feeling guilty for it too?
It all goes back the ever-present feeling that I am undeserving. I don’t deserve to have anything. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to get “found out”, that I’m a fraud and a hack.
I don’t think I’m ever not going to feel like less than a deserving person.
My birthday is Tuesday. I’m laying here in bed on the last night of this year and I’m not really sure how I feel.
The year has flown by.
Not much has changed, though soon I can mark a +1 in the career column. I just want the internship to start already.
I realized that I have not had a full time job since 2006. This is going to be quite a change for me.
I’m also still single. I’ve been alone so long I don’t even know how to start. Lately I’ve felt very lonely. I’m jealous of couples I see. I want someone to hold my hand and hug me and want to talk to me and tell me about his day and want to kiss me and touch me and just someone who wants me. I don’t know how to get that intimacy with someone anymore.
I’m thinking about signing up for an online dating service. I thought of perhaps going to a singles event but I have little interest in mustering the courage and energy to fake it in person. I’d rather read profiles online from the safety of my apartment to see what’s out there. I’m gun-shy. I don’t want to put myself out there just yet.
I’m all out of sorts.
Crawled into bed because I just want the day to end.
The day got away from me. I feel tired and restless and overwhelmed all at the same time. I did things today that I had no plan for and then was lost for the rest of the day.
Saw my former DH today and he outed me about my internship to a group of people. It wasn’t a big deal but since then I’ve been thrown. He took the control out of my hands and I’ve been looking for comfort in food and sweets and shopping.
I want something. Maybe a good cry. Maybe a hug. Maybe both. I want reassurance.
I’m going to bed in the hopes I wake up in a different mood.
Waffles are happiness.
Hyperbole and a Half: Depression Part Two -
This is the best explanation of what depression is like that I have ever read.
Seriously. The entire essay I was thinking, Yes. Yes, this. Exactly this.
Especially the part about thinking about how I’m supposed to respond, the faces I’m supposed to be making to match the response I’m supposed to be feeling.
“I had so very few feelings, and everyone else had so many…” Being disconnected, being tired of everything, just carrying on just because…
But— trigger warning for depression/suicide. Proceed as you will.
Listen to this.
So, I had another crazy awful crit again. This time I didn’t get as upset but I still got really mad. (The Law keeps contradicting herself and then acts surprised when I make the changes she requested.)
I decided to implore my working Facebook friends for advice on how to deal with difficult directors, you know ask the experienced about their methods of coping.
Got two comments and then I get a message in my inbox from someone who was my friend but hasn’t spoken to me in nearly a year:
“Hey, I didn’t know you were working. Congrats. Tell me everything!”
And I’m just like, I fucking /knew/ it. The second someone thinks you have something, they want to see if they can get a piece.
Everyone is a fucking shark. People think I’m weak because I worry and have low self esteem. What they don’t know is that I see through all of their bullshit right to the heart of the matter.
This is the training I received from my father— how to tell what people really mean when they say other things. I know this girl well enough to know that she thinks she’s a better animator than i am (and she’s right) and she wants to know how the hell I got “something” ahead of her.
So I wrote back explaining that it wasn’t a job, it’s not what you think, it’s a free thing because who the hell is going to hire me? And that’s it. No details. Because fuck you— you can’t be bothered to even say hi once in an entire year, but you catch wind that I might have an in somewhere and suddenly you remember how to message me? Yeah, I may not be talented, but I am definitely not stupid.
And I have only told three people about my internship— can you imagine what people would try if they knew? So I guess that means I’m playing it close to the vest this summer.
I can’t even begin to explain how true this is wow..
(Source: givemecoffeeorparaish, via kaedith)
(Source: urbout.co, via scatteredpictures16)
Why am I so awkward? This is the hardest thing for me.
My heart is still jittery, tight, in my throat. Walking fast helps.
Glad I did it, though I could only stay an hour. Could only stand to stay an hour.
Walking as I write this. Feeling better the farther I get away, the closer to home.