I’ve been slowly telling people about my summer internship.
I am equal parts proud and guilty about it. Even when I have something good coming down the pipeline, I can’t seem to accept feelings of pride without having guilt about it… like, who am I to brag? I just got lucky. I’m not so great. It could be taken away in the blink of an eye. You don’t really deserve this internship, you just got it because your friend got your application through HR.
I have been telling people in my life one at a time and with the caveat that they can’t talk about it because I still have to tell work. I’m waiting until May because there’s no need to give an 8 week notice. I think a 4 week notice will be more than adequate.
So, I finally told my former Department Head. He’d emailed me about possibly helping out a student of his with her thesis project, doing some animation for her. I’d been waiting to tell him all the things I’ve been doing until I saw him in person, but I had to let him know what’s been going on— my production project, working more hours, the approaching internship— so there’d be a valid reason for my to decline his request.
I just— I don’t know— i’m stupid but I’m also usually right but I’m also an anxiety sufferer with GAD and excessive negative self talk—
We were emailing back and forth every few minutes and then when I sent the email about the internship, he stopped emailing me. And he didn’t email me the whole next day either. When I woke up this morning there was an email from him waiting for me in my inbox that said “That’s really, really great.” and “GOOD LUCK WITH THAT”… which, me being me, worries me. I know, why would that worry me? What, am I crazy or something? Well, yes.
I suppose he could be sincere about it but then that exact phrase is also used sarcastically to mean, “I don’t think you are going to succeed”. Why did it take him an entire day to respond with that?
I also know he’s kind of funny about things when it comes to his helping students. I know him pretty well and I immediately got a bad feeling when reading his email. This internship is not 3D work and I worry that maybe he’s irritated that I’m doing something else instead of what he taught me.
I don’t know. It’s probably just my worry that he’s disappointed in me and has nothing to do with what he actually thinks. I just— why would he wait so long to write something so simple when were were already going back and forth in email every few minutes unless he was upset? Why did it take him an entire day to respond when the day before he’d been replying right away?