There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea.

Hanging in

What a terrible day. That plane shot down in Russia, everyone dead. My favorite Elaine Stritch died today. The Thor debacle worsens.

I worked 10 hours straight on freelance. I’m so exhausted. This week has been just awful.

Looking back definitely had a panic attack on Tuesday. I was trapped for 8 hours at my retail job (where I have to smile and make nice with people) with no outlet except secretly posting on my phone. That, paired with the fact that Thor helped me cope with my dad’s death and the shocking realization that they’re taking my coping device away AND running on 5 hours sleeping doing three jobs just cracked me.

I confessed my emotional/anxiety problems on my fan blog and that, along with my inability to embrace this new Thor, I’ve lost a lot of followers.

The general consensus in the Thor tag is that either it’s no big deal because lots of other people have picked up the hammer or that anyone who’s unhappy is a white sexist racist (because they’re lumping in the new Cap with the new Thor so yeah, tumblr logic).

Everyone is missing the point. I love Thor, not some other person wielding his hammer and stealing his identity. I don’t care who gets the hammer, man, woman, or frog, I care that this amazing character that I care about is getting ripped apart, his identity just given away so that Marvel can be progressive. People are saying, isn’t it a good thing that a woman is equal to a man? Of course it is, but why do we have to destroy the man to make her equal? I don’t think elevating a character by taking another one down is a good platform for gender equality. The reply I get is, “too bad.” People are saying “oh, the writer is amazing.” Why would I care if the writing is good when the story is still about stripping Thor like a car for parts and throwing what remains of him nameless in a dumpster?

Marvel has also put me on the same side of this situation as sexist assholes and I will never forgive them for it. It’s traumatic seeing people say I’m sexist/racist/stupid because I’m not okay with the situation.

Ugh. Sorry. I can’t complain on my fan blog because people over there don’t understand my anxiety. Now I’ve got to find a new thing to think about when I have unpleasant thoughts. It used to be Thor but I can’t think about him without bursting into tears so… I don’t want got replace him and my heart is broken.

Man. I am so pathetic. I just feel so much anguish and shame.

Wonderful. Reminded me of Holst! (The Planets is awesome).

(Source: Spotify)

Omg, I can’t stop crying. I’m home now and I keep trying to focus on my freelancing but every fucking thing in my apartment reminds me. I just cannot get over it. 

I’m just a stupid girl

Im putting this on my therapy blog because I am irrationally upset and my fan blog I no place for this.

I will preface this by saying I understand that this is irrational and emotional but I cannot feel any other way at the moment and this is what this blog is for. Getting my upset out of me.

I’m at lunch sobbing in the back room because of this stupid Thor stuff. They’re not even letting him keep his name. I just don’t know how they can do this.

I’m so upset. It’s over. I never thought I would wake up today and have my favorite character of all time taken away from me on the name of gender equality.

I don’t want to look at any Thor stuff right now. It’s too upsetting.

I’m so stupid for getting so upset but they’re saying he’s permanently going away and “Thor” is going to be this new woman now and I just can’t handle it. I can’t get over that they’re turning Thor into a batman like mantle for others to wear— Thor doesn’t have another name. I don’t know what to do I can’t even think about him now because I don’t know what to call him. He doesn’t have a new name yet.

I loved this character so much. So many times I’ve drawn him, so many of his adventures and it’s over.

I mean it’s a comic so maybe “permanent” is not forever but how long? Six months? A year? Five years? I wished they had killed him instead of this.

I foolishly made him this happy place for me, never thinking it would be destroyed but it is. Now it’s ruined.

I know in stupid. I know. You don’t have to tell me. I’ll be over it on a few days hopefully. But right now I’m just—


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