I had a little emotional breakdown today which I think qualifies as a panic attack. Cried for about twenty minutes over the general pitifulness that is my life.
When I think about my mom and my sister, I think about them at home. but when I called them today that image was shaken apart. I haven’t spoken with either of them in days and I know that if I want someone to talk to, I have to be the one to reach out. I could die before they’d call me, either one of them.
So first I called my sister who didn’t pick up. No surprise. Then I called my mother who didn’t pick up either. Turns out my sister is in Florida, found out via text and I had no idea she was going anywhere, and my mother called me back from her new boyfriend’s house where she is sleeping over.
I don’t even know his name. I didn’t even know she had a boyfriend that was more than just exchanging emails.
She tells me this like I should know already and like it’s not any kind of a big deal that she’s sleeping over a man’s house, like she wasn’t married to her high school sweetheart for over thirty years until his death.
And yeah, it upsets me, but not how you might think. It’s upsetting to me that my family has changed so much in less than two years. My dad hasn’t even been dead for two years yet and I don’t even know what’s happening with my family.
My room at home is being lived in by a stranger, my sister is always going off somewhere and never wants to share with me and my mother is dating men that are not my father.
These are not bad things, they’re just different. It’s like reaching for your red crayon because it’s comforting and familiar and finding out that it’s no longer red, it’s orange. Looks like crayola is phasing out red and now they’re pushing orange. Orange isn’t bad, it’s just not red, it’s just not what you were expecting when you opened your pack of crayons for a little art therapy.
it’s just a lot of change and I’m finding it hard to cope with. It seems like their lives are great and moving forward and I’m stuck in the past.
I don’t know what to do. I just know I’m sad and unhappy.