There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea.

Meltdown

More crying today. At my desk. On the walk to work. At work. After work in the back room. During dinner.

My emotions go to extremes from minute to minute. My mental health is not good right now. I am in a very bad place.

Found out the freelance guy hired another illustrator so it’s only a matter of time before he stops offering me work. The new girl is so much more experienced and a batter drawer than me.

I keep reminding myself that I’m an animator too so even if the design work dries up, I’ll have that for a little while.

I tried to think that maybe I could learn from her before I get the ax. But this made me very afraid. I looked for jobs last week and there were literally none in my area. Not even a “we’re not hiring but always looking”. Jobs are grim, scarce.

I’m going to sob at my therapy tomorrow. I have to remember to bring my own Kleenex because I’ll feel bad if I use all if hers.

I try not to get upset but then my stomach clenches and I shake despite what I am telling myself, that it’s fine, no big deal, but my body betrays me every time. I’m so tired of all of this I wish I could sleep for a hundred years.

pathetic

Oh man. I am in pitiable shape.  I have to get this design done and all I can do is cry in the bathroom.  And I’m at home by myself right now. 

Every time I get myself under control I think about something that makes me cry again. 

I hate how pathetic I am.  I feel so much anger and despair right now. I wish I could just this part off like my appendix or my tonsils.  I don’t need to feel this way, doc, so just cut it out. 

"There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea."

"There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea."

the silent treatment

I don’t know what to do. my roommate came back this evening around 9pm. She came in our room, I said “hi” to her and she said hi back and then she grabbed her things and took a shower.

My stomach started hurting again because I got the sense that she is mad at me still.

Then she came back and crawled into her bed.

So I asked her if she was going to sleep and she mumbled something, so as I was turning off the overhead light and switching on a smaller one I said, “is that a yes?” and she said “I’m reading” (on her kindle). 

So then I asked her if everything was okay and she said, “yeah.” And now it’s just this awful silence. I get that she’s reading but this is not how it used to be. She used to ask me how I am and it used to be comfortable and now all I can feel is this terrible anxiety when she’s here, in my stomach.

I went into the living room for a few minutes to put a few things away and decided to sit on the couch, just to see if I could calm myself. But then my mind wandered and I started thinking about my Dad and I cried a little and I realized that this feeling that I have right now that she’s making me feel is how I used to feel when my father would come home in a bad mood and we had to be silent lest we wake the volcano. 

I wanted to say, “Are you sure everything is ok because it doesn’t seem like it.” but I am afraid like how I used to be afraid of angering my dad.  She gets mad for such stupid reasons and I cannot stand the silent treatment.

She’s not going to say anything else to me tonight. I probably won’t talk to her until tomorrow night, when she comes home late after work when she won’t share with me where she’s been or how she is or ask about me and when I ask her, she’ll stick to her one word answers like she has been for weeks.

Good Day, Sunshine

Depressed people should try to stand in the sunlight for ten minutes. I swear, while walking to work today in this beautiful warm light made my heart feel a hundred times lighter.

Passive aggressive

It’s been a stressful two days. Completing three new art pieces in five days plus ready the rest of the portfolio has been daunting.

But the thing that weights heavy in my mind is the situation with my roommate Kay. For weeks now she’s been avoiding me. I noticed it weeks ago when she went to a movie by herself. She did not invite me and when she got back she didn’t say a word about it.

Now she won’t speak to me unless I say something first.

If I talk to her she’ll have a short polite conversation with me. But if I don’t say anything she won’t even say hello when she enters our shared bedroom.

I get the sense that she’s mad at me for something or else she thinks she’s better than me now that she’s working full time.

Her silence is an indicator that she’s mad. She’s 100% passive aggressive. When she felt her ex wanted to spend too much time with her, instead of saying something, she got irritated with him and then avoided him for weeks.

She’s doing the exact same thing to me, except we live together so she can’t avoid me completely. She goes out, doesn’t say a word, not even a quick “bye” and when she comes back she literally walks past me, gets ready for bed and goes to sleep. Not one word.

I don’t know what to do. If she’s mad, I don’t know how to handle it, if she’s not mad and I act like she is then she will get mad.

She gets mad so easily I never know what I’ve said that set her off.

My childish response is to make plans after work to avoid being home alone or sitting in silence with her.

Gamut

Today was awful. I’m lying in bed now, I can say this with authority.

I don’t want to count the ways in which it was terrible but at every turn something went wrong.

The day ended with my roommate acting snippy at me (after which she crawled into bed with all the lights on and threw the covers over her head rather than talk to me to say she was going to bed and wanted the lights off) and my making myself throw up in the bathroom. That actually was a highlight, got this awesome sense of euphoria even though I know I’ll be in pain tomorrow.

Something really needs to change for me.

I tried talking to my mother about it but instead we got into a fight. She thinks that when I try to talk about my emotional problems I’m saying she’s a bad mother, which I’m not saying that at all. And then she went on to say that she was a good mother I was just “bad”. Of course what she means by bad is that I didn’t do every little thing she asked and I talked back to her when I felt angry. I never caused her one second of real trouble.

I just need someone to support me. It’s really hard fighting battles all by yourself, I feel so alone. No one cares about me except me and even I’m having a hard time giving a shit.

Trials

Today has been a trial, a long, multi-part trial. You already saw my rant from this morning and it only escalated from there.  I’m just trying really hard to ignore all the anger and let it go so I can be both productive and not make my heart attack me.

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