I am rollercoasting but good today.
In the span of 40 minutes, during my walk to work, I’ve nearly cried, then felt spontaneously happy and then swung back around to depressed.
I hate this. It just reiterates that I don’t know what to do. I do t even know what to feel.
Trying to be positive. Trying to look away from the sadness.
Have you recently realized that you’ve been wasting your life? Here’s a shocking truth that could change your life.
This just came up on my facebook. It’s amazing how I just posted about how i’ve wasted my life and then I see this. Is this a sign telling me to go for it?
Today I got to the library right when it opened. I spent an hour tracing drawings from “the art of Pocahontas” that was library use only. Though I was able to check out the exact “art of” book that that fan-artist used to help her on her way towards my dream job. It’s not my favorite but if it worked for her, I have to try it.
I was thinking about “Pocahontas” as I was tracing drawings from my heros, Glen Keane and John Pomeroy, and I wondered what went wrong with me. Even then, I was afraid. I remember worrying so much that I wouldn’t be able to do it and I would even make myself upset with worry. And my 13 year old self is saying, “I told you so.” But why did I think this? this was such a disservice to myself, I could have the career I always dreamed of if I had been determined enough to take it.
I really don’t know what to do. I feel so hopeless, I feel I’ve wasted my life, that it’s over and ruined and too late to salvage.
In some ways, it makes me think of the awful ROPES program we had to do in the 8th grade at the Y. ROPES was a program that taught team building, camaraderie and confidence through physical challenges and every year the school signed up the entire 8th grade class to go do it for a few days.
It did none of these things for me. I was a ridiculed kid in the 8th grade, looked down upon by my peers. And I was a fat too, really really fat, and not looking forward to physical challenges. When you are not confident, as I am not, it is difficult to try new things in front of others, difficult to let yourself look foolish as you figure things out, especially when you’re 13 and your peers make fun of you.
There was this one challenge where some team members were on one side of a rope fence that had various sized openings and the challenge was to get your other teammates through as quickly as possible. No team member could go through the same opening and they weren’t supposed to touch the ropes as they went through, which means that the team members on the other side had to physically help you through. I knew nobody would want to help me, a person to scorn, let alone touch me and my fat.
I remember running around, thinking, “I’ll get through, I have to get through” while kids were being pulled through left and right.
And then I turned out to be the very last team member, running in a panic, trying to figure out which hole hadn’t been climbed through and what size was left that I could possibly fit through. I remember the counselors muttering, “pathetic” and they meant both me and our team. Finally, someone helped me through, I don’t remember who, but I do remember how shamefaced I felt and our team was so mad because we had the longest time because of me. I remember wishing I didn’t have to do this stupid program because then my peers would have been happy and I would have been happy. I was so shamed and I felt so bad during the entire ROPES experience.
Sometimes I still feel like that, like that 13 year old girl on the outside, while everyone is figuring out how to get through, how to get through to adulthood, or careers, or families and I’m stuck on the other side, blind with panic, unable to help myself.
I hope get some drawing in before work… I am desperate to get better.
Today was pretty good.
I went to a real bookstore, tried some baked goods at a Chinese bakery I’d never had before, hung out with my roommate, cooked dinner from a recipe rather than eating ramen again, and spent an hour or so scribbling.
This is going to sound weird, but I’m also really proud that I’ve been flossing everyday since going to the dentist. I’ve haven’t missed a single day and I’ve certainly never been this consistent about anything.
I’m beginning to see the value in ritual. It’s like, “we’ll, today might have sucked but at least I have an unbroken flossing record.” It’s like having a little bit of control over something.
It’s the small things in life.
I am totally unhappy with my drawing challenge though starting a new method tomorrow.
My therapist forgot our appointment again. I’m not even worth my therapist’s time and I pay her to listen to me.
I really needed to talk to her today. The past week has been terrible.
Naturally, when I really need help no one is there for me. I just want to cry so bad right now to let it all out.
Holding on feelings of anxiety, fear, anger and worthlessness.
I’m so embarrassed. I just got into an argument with my friend and broke down and cried.
We were talking about jobs and my contact work. And yes while I’m happy to get it I am still not satisfied with being unemployed. I want a full time job in my field.
She wanted me to be happy and brag about the as needed contract work but I couldn’t allow her to think I have this awesome “job” when all it’s been is four days worth if sporadic work that could vanish any second. And the work is quick and badly drawn.
And of course then I we started talking about my lack of focus on what kind of portfolio I want to do. And it got around to drawing and how that’s really what I want to do.
But that’s the exact insecurity I have and that’s when I stated to get upset because I know in my heart that I’m not good enough to draw. And that means I’ve wasted my money pursuing a 3d animation career when my heart is not in it and I’m not good enough to draw.
That’s when I cried. I told her I didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want to hear her praising me. I don’t believe it. And her words just made me more desperate to make her understand that I’m no good and what I have is a fluke and not something to brag about. Which then made her more determined to make me understand her point of view.
I feel awful. And embarrassed. I feel like she thinks I’m crazy now and I’ve ruined my one good friendship. She’s so strong and wouldn’t cry for anything so trivial.
How do I explain its so hard for me to accept praise when I do thoroughly believe I am no good? How can she possibly understand how difficult this all is for me when she has willpower like iron?
Man. I’m very stressed out. I thought I was about to get a day off tomorrow but I have more contract work on my plate for tomorrow and for Friday. It’s very stressful my part-time job and the contract work, Plus I promised my roommate to bring her to her wisdom teeth extraction and I have to do that and then do contract work and I don’t get any days off at all.
It seems like I don’t have time anymore to do the things that I want to do. I haven’t had a chance to do any work on my portfolio either drawing or Animation and it’s definitely stressing me out especially since it’s September already.
I have to work in an hour and a half and I have so many things to cram into this time, but I really wanted to just sit here and not do anything.