There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea.
Going to a gathering and feeling anxious as hell. We’re expected to play games. The thought of that is making me nauseous. 

Anyway. Here’s me right now on the bus. I might delete this later.

Going to a gathering and feeling anxious as hell. We’re expected to play games. The thought of that is making me nauseous.

Anyway. Here’s me right now on the bus. I might delete this later.

I am having anxiety right now. 1am. Grrrrreat.

Jittery

I just had a very minor kitchen gaff, where I dropped a pan coming from the oven and got hot oil all over my leg (not to mention dinner all over the floor). Thankfully only a small part on my foot has a 2nd degree burn but I’m kinda jittery now and am totally comfort eating M&Ms. :/

I’ve been so stressed out this week. Technical problems continue to abound and I haven’t been able to sign the new contract yet.  I’m having so many problems I question whether I can do this. I keep telling myself that I just have to make it work for a month. 

mini freak out

After six weeks of back and forth, the contract for that animation job in Norway finally came through.

It’s sitting in my inbox and I am riddled with panic. My friend said “the contract is coming this week” for three weeks and I just expected it to keep being put off.

And now I’m so anxious because 1) I’m not quite set up yet (still working on getting the software), though I did buy a whole new computer which is set up and ready to go, and 2) I now have to follow through and do the work.

Whenever stuff like this happens I ALWAYS lie and say, “Oh, I’m so excited” when I really mean terrified. What if I can’t get the program to work? What if the program is too unwieldy and difficult for me to learn? What if my work just isn’t good enough? I don’t want to let my friend down.

What if I can’t do three jobs at once? I know it’s just for one month, this Norway gig is just a four week trial, but I don’t want to fumble the ball here.

I’ve got to sit down today and figure some scheduling things out, even if I don’t follow it at all, at least I’ll have the reassurance of a plan.

I keep telling myself that these are good things. So what if I got his job via a friend? So what if it only lasts a month? It’s one more experience and that’s supposed to be good.  This is not the career I pictured for myself, but maybe I’m taking the scenic route.

Raging

I just cried three times in my therapy session today.

I told her I was feeling very angry lately and she asked what had set me off and of course I went on about the fucking elitist attitudes that have taken over the city, how even a cup of coffee is a goddamned status symbol. Everything is about money here.

I told her about how little comments and criticisms got me riled up, how more and more people seem to not understand me.

She said that I sounded stressed out and we talked about why, that maybe it was stemming from the fact that I have not been paid for freelancing since April, that at this point he owes me over $2000, that maybe my anger over how unfair it is that the people who make a hundred thousand dollars a year cannot comprehend what it’s like to struggle to buy groceries is really my anger at not getting paid.

Though I will say it’s hard to watch the young elite rich destroy this beautiful city, making it piece by piece into something that only they can enjoy.

So I have a lot of anger. And it’s focused on money or lack of it. Sometimes I hate living in this country.

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