There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea.

Omg, I can’t stop crying. I’m home now and I keep trying to focus on my freelancing but every fucking thing in my apartment reminds me. I just cannot get over it. 

I’m just a stupid girl

Im putting this on my therapy blog because I am irrationally upset and my fan blog I no place for this.

I will preface this by saying I understand that this is irrational and emotional but I cannot feel any other way at the moment and this is what this blog is for. Getting my upset out of me.

I’m at lunch sobbing in the back room because of this stupid Thor stuff. They’re not even letting him keep his name. I just don’t know how they can do this.

I’m so upset. It’s over. I never thought I would wake up today and have my favorite character of all time taken away from me on the name of gender equality.

I don’t want to look at any Thor stuff right now. It’s too upsetting.

I’m so stupid for getting so upset but they’re saying he’s permanently going away and “Thor” is going to be this new woman now and I just can’t handle it. I can’t get over that they’re turning Thor into a batman like mantle for others to wear— Thor doesn’t have another name. I don’t know what to do I can’t even think about him now because I don’t know what to call him. He doesn’t have a new name yet.

I loved this character so much. So many times I’ve drawn him, so many of his adventures and it’s over.

I mean it’s a comic so maybe “permanent” is not forever but how long? Six months? A year? Five years? I wished they had killed him instead of this.

I foolishly made him this happy place for me, never thinking it would be destroyed but it is. Now it’s ruined.

I know in stupid. I know. You don’t have to tell me. I’ll be over it on a few days hopefully. But right now I’m just—

keeping pace

oh man.

I am so busy. I finished my first full week of working at the three jobs and I am exhausted.  I’ve been waking up early so I can be animating before work.  Today for example, I animated from 7am until 8:30 and then I walked to work (where I am now) and I’ll be here until about 6pm or so and then I’ll walk back home and work on the illustration stuff for the other game company. 

Tomorrow, I’ll be animating from 7:30am until around noon and then I’ll take a short break and then go off to my job from 2 to 8 and then put in hours from 9pm until midnight of illustration work.

Repeat for the rest of the week. :/

It’s super hard. I have never been a morning person and even though I had a lot to do with the two jobs, I still had time to draw and do things for myself. Now, I really don’t get to do anything for myself.

I used to read and check out tumblr as I laid in bed just before going to sleep but now I have to leave my phone across the room at my desk so that I must physically get up to turn off the alarm, so I don’t get to read anymore.

The third job is only for three more weeks, however there is the potential of more work up to a year. So far, it’s doable and manageable but I wonder if it is sustainable? To be perfectly honest, I want a real job. I want a 9-5 (or 8-8, i don’t care) with taxes taken out and health benefits.

Also, when an artist says, “I’m a freelancer” other artists are like, “oh, you must be terrible” because every unemployed artist says that they are “freelancing”. It’s not so bad, but I need the confidence and structure of working. I want co-workers. It’s awfully lonely being all by myself all the time, never interacting with people. It’s all emails and management software. No friends. No camaraderie. No invites to hang out after work. It’s very isolating.

The last time I went to therapy, my counselor suggested I go see a psychiatrist that can prescribe drugs because she thought I seemed depressed and could benefit from meds.  She’s said this before but Ms. S doesn’t remember. The one gripe I have about my lovely counselor is that she doesn’t really remember what we talk about and she doesn’t prep before our sessions. So she’s always asking me to tell her the same things over and over again. I like her but it’s difficult to make progress if every session is like the first session.  This works in my favor sometimes because I am VERY resistant to being medicated.

I tried it once and it tranquilized me rather than lessened my anxiety. I remember distinctly that all it did was make me feel tired and not want to do anything and it made me gain weight. It did not make me feel less anxious. In fact, it made me feel worse because I was gaining weight and I didn’t feel like doing art.  So I went cold turkey off the meds and vowed never to try drugs again.

Ugh. I feel okay today just really tired with my usual amount of anxiety about my life and where it’s going.

Without Impression

Sometimes it seems like my life is a series of unanswered messages. 

I texted my sister this morning: no reply.

I emailed both of my roommates about apartment stuff: no reply.

Yesterday, I asked a question on my tumblr page: no reply.

Yesterday, I asked a question on my facebook wall: no reply.

Yesterday, I called a friend and left a message: no reply.

The day before, I uploaded pictures on instagram: no comments or likes. 

Sometimes I feel so isolated and alone.  What do you do when you reach out to people and get nothing?

It used to be if you called someone and they didn’t answer, they most likely weren’t home. Now there are hundreds of ways to verify that people just don’t care about you or what you have to say. 

It’s one thing to make little impression on the world. It’s another to KNOW you make little impression on the world. I wish I was oblivious. 

My mother once told me that trauma is like Lord of the Rings. You go through this crazy, life-altering thing that almost kills you (like say having to drop the one ring into Mount Doom), and that thing by definition cannot possibly be understood by someone who hasn’t gone through it. They can sympathize sure, but they’ll never really know, and more than likely they’ll expect you to move on from the thing fairly quickly. And they can’t be blamed, people are just like that, but that’s not how it works.

Some lucky people are like Sam. They can go straight home, get married, have a whole bunch of curly headed Hobbit babies and pick up their gardening right where they left off, content to forget the whole thing and live out their days in peace. Lots of people however, are like Frodo, and they don’t come home the same person they were when they left, and everything is more horrible and more hard then it ever was before. The old wounds sting and the ghost of the weight of the one ring still weighs heavy on their minds, and they don’t fit in at home anymore, so they get on boats go sailing away to the Undying West to look for the sort of peace that can only come from within. Frodos can’t cope, and most of us are Frodos when we start out.

But if we move past the urge to hide or lash out, my mother always told me, we can become Pippin and Merry. They never ignored what had happened to them, but they were malleable and receptive to change. They became civic leaders and great storytellers; they we able to turn all that fear and anger and grief into narratives that others could delight in and learn from, and they used the skills they had learned in battle to protect their homeland. They were fortified by what had happened to them, they wore it like armor and used it to their advantage.

It is our trauma that turns us into guardians, my mother told me, it is suffering that strengthens our skin and softens our hearts, and if we learn to live with the ghosts of what had been done to us, we just may be able to save others from the same fate.

—S.T.Gibson (via sarahtaylorgibson)

(via betnhe)


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