Today, after weeks and weeks of work, I finished off my portfolio and applied to that art internship for the summer where Van works. I was happy for about 45 minutes.
And then Van texted me and said that they were looking for recent graduates fresh out of school. The requirements said BFA or MFA in related field, which, check on both degrees. The job description didn’t say “must be in school”. They pay the interns, too, it’s not for credit, so I’m not sure what the big deal is about. I don’t have any experience. It’s not like I’m over qualified here.
I’m at work and I found out that I’m basically not eligble on my way to work and I’ve been struggling through the shift with negative self talk and trying not to cry here at the register.
I just feel like I can never win. I’m never going to amount to anything and that nobody is ever going to want me. And then that spirals off into nobody wants me professionally or personally or romantically. I’m total failure of a human being all the way around. I have absoutely nothing to my name and apparently no value or worth to anyone, not even myself. I can’t even land a full time job— any full time job.
Sometimes I think that if I just died it would be easier for everyone, one less needy worthless person leeching off of society. I was crossing the street at the cross walk and imagined the car not stopping as I went by and what a surge of relief I felt at the thought of not having to do this anymore.
Sometimes when I lay down to sleep at night I hope that I will not wake up in the morning. I don’t pray anymore and but I’ll pray for that. Everything would be over and I wouldn’t have to struggle through life anymore. And so many people suffer more than I and yet have more to offer than I do. Clearly, I wasn’t meant for living.
I’m so frustrated and angry that I am illequipped to deal with absolutely anything that life throws at me. I feel I am the most inept person on the planet. Every little speed bump feels like a mountain.The only thing I am good at is prentending to be normal. No one knows the daily rollercoaster I am on and exactly how much energy it takes just simply to be me.
I’m obviously very upset. And I hate my stupid brain.