The Sea Jar

Are you kidding me? I wake up 20 minutes early which is really hard for me, to get a start on the day and while I’m fumbling with my phone to turn off the alarm, my roommate gets up and gets to the bathroom first. Un-fucking-believable.

She’s been in there fifteen minutes already, so much for getting ready early. I’m just like, I guess I’m going to have to wake up an hour early tomorrow to head her off before my interview. What the fuck. Her alarm didn’t even go off.

The downfall of living with roommates. :(

Feeling restless. My interview is in one day. None of my “professional clothes” fit me. So I opted for a polka dot dress with a sweater. It’s cute if not “business”. It’s an interview for an art internship so I’m hoping I have some leeway here. I don’t have any money for a new outfit. I looked, but there was nothing I saw in my price bracket that looked “professional”. I worry that this will make a bad impression.

I have anxiety already. There’s too much I’m supposed to do this week and I don’t know how I’m going to get it all done

My manager scheduled my review this same day I have the interview. It figures. I’m supposed to have reviews every year but I’ve only had one in the almost five years I’ve worked there. I need and deserve a raise. I’ll be so pissed if he gives me some bullshit about not being able to give raised. I make almost the same rate as minim wage and I’ve worked there nearly five years. I’ve only missed one day of work and took a leave if absence when my father died and that’s it.

I’m an awesome employee and they better show me how much they appreciate me by giving me a raise.

So, I just got home from uke practice and there’s an email from the company that they want to schedule an on-site interview with me next week!

Holy shit. 

The creative director said they were going to schedule on-site interviews around mid-April… I don’t know if this is a good sign or a bad sign but I’m thrilled to have passed the first “test”.

The second test will be a billionty times more difficult— getting there and meeting people, and talking to them, and answering their questions…

So, Van actually came through for me. Because she asked after my application and pushed for me, I had a phone screen interview with her company for that internship that I’m technically not eligible for.  The creative director liked my portfolio, so I guess that makes me eligible again :)

Now I’m waiting to see if I made the cut for an on site interview.  Keep your fingers crossed. An opportunity like this could really turn my life around. 

I don’t want to get up. I want to lay in bed and sleep forever.

I just want everything to go away.

Today, after weeks and weeks of work, I finished off my portfolio and applied to that art internship for the summer where Van works. I was happy for about 45 minutes.

And then Van texted me and said that they were looking for recent graduates fresh out of school.  The requirements said BFA or MFA in related field, which, check on both degrees. The job description didn’t say “must be in school”.  They pay the interns, too, it’s not for credit, so I’m not sure what the big deal is about. I don’t have any experience. It’s not like I’m over qualified here.  

I’m at work and I found out that I’m basically not eligble on my way to work and I’ve been struggling through the shift with negative self talk and trying not to cry here at the register.

I just feel like I can never win. I’m never going to amount to anything and that nobody is ever going to want me. And then that spirals off into nobody wants me professionally or personally or romantically. I’m total failure of a human being all the way around. I have absoutely nothing to my name and apparently no value or worth to anyone, not even myself. I can’t even land a full time job— any full time job.

Sometimes I think that if I just died it would be easier for everyone, one less needy worthless person leeching off of society. I was crossing the street at the cross walk and imagined the car not stopping as I went by and what a surge of relief I felt at the thought of not having to do this anymore. 

Sometimes when I lay down to sleep at night I hope that I will not wake up in the morning. I don’t pray anymore and but I’ll pray for that. Everything would be over and I wouldn’t have to struggle through life anymore. And so many people suffer more than I and yet have more to offer than I do. Clearly, I wasn’t meant for living. 

I’m so frustrated and angry that I am illequipped to deal with absolutely anything that life throws at me. I feel I am the most inept person on the planet. Every little speed bump feels like a mountain.The only thing I am good at is prentending to be normal.  No one knows the daily rollercoaster I am on and exactly how much energy it takes just simply to be me. 

I’m obviously very upset. And I hate my stupid brain. 

I was going to write a whole thing about what happened today and instead I’ll simply say that things haven’t worked out yet.

It’s stressful and I am tired.

I’ve been off all day. I didn’t have a chance to get coffee this morning and on top of I’m still fighting off a cold just felt blah all day. I haven’t quite gotten sick yet, but I felt feverish earlier and I’m tired in that “my body is fighting off infection” kind of way.

We haven’t found a roommate but Kay has finally stepped up and started helping me look for people.

I’m so tired that I don’t even feel depressed even though I had upset feelings about my lack of proper employment. I just want to pay my bills. I don’t want new clothes or to travel or material things. Those are privileges beyond my scope. I just want to pay what I owe.

I have not left my apartment in two days. I can see how easy it would be for me to become a shut in.

I didn’t actually talk to anyone today either.

Kay got laid off from her job on Thursday and decided to leave for three days to see her boyfriend. I’m glad she’s gone because when she gets back she’s going to be here all the time. Her coming home early on Thursday was so disruptive to my workflow that I worked straight through until 7:30 /this/ evening trying to get all the production work done.

I hate how much of my time it takes up. He’d better like it! I work hard and I still haven’t been paid anything.

After that, I sort of reclaimed my day off. I watched Archer, made a batch of waffles for the week, and finally finished off one piece for my illustration portfolio while finishing up that Merlin TV movie from the 90s with Sam Neil (which is still awesome, btw).

I also relieved some stress by singing in Van’s empty room which has killer acoustics. I don’t have a great voice or anything, but there’s something cathartic about singing at the top of your lungs in a space with great acoustics. Try it. Even if its just your bathroom. It releases endorphins for sure.

Still feeling stressed out. No roommate leads. Gotta come up with extra money somehow.

But at least I got one down for the portfolio.