I just cried three times in my therapy session today.
I told her I was feeling very angry lately and she asked what had set me off and of course I went on about the fucking elitist attitudes that have taken over the city, how even a cup of coffee is a goddamned status symbol. Everything is about money here.
I told her about how little comments and criticisms got me riled up, how more and more people seem to not understand me.
She said that I sounded stressed out and we talked about why, that maybe it was stemming from the fact that I have not been paid for freelancing since April, that at this point he owes me over $2000, that maybe my anger over how unfair it is that the people who make a hundred thousand dollars a year cannot comprehend what it’s like to struggle to buy groceries is really my anger at not getting paid.
Though I will say it’s hard to watch the young elite rich destroy this beautiful city, making it piece by piece into something that only they can enjoy.
So I have a lot of anger. And it’s focused on money or lack of it. Sometimes I hate living in this country.
Having a lot of angry feels lately. I don’t like it.
Learn how to change unhealthy and unproductive habits, by learning how the brain and body work. Habit change is possible!
I just discovered Nerd Fitness and I’m really liking what I’m reading. I found this article on “habit changing” interesting!
So, I decided to revive my blog for daily drawing, which is an exercising in changing habits. The idea is that if you do something everyday for at least 30 days, you’ll form a new habit.
Feel free to check it out and pester me if I am too lazy to work on my habits. I tend to draw late at night, like around midnight or so, just before going to bed. It’s really the only time I can give myself permission to do non-paying work.
I need for the world to slow down for a day or two. I’m having that out of control feeling where everything is moving too fast.
It’s like I blink and an hour goes by and I not only don’t know how that happened, i haven’t done anything in that time.
It doesn’t help that I want to sleep all day. I’m hoping I can snap out of it and get at least something done before I go to work. :/
I am on a bus now headed to Lands End. I’ve never been in all the years I’ve lived in the city. It’s not the nicest of days, but I feel like it’s important for me to go.
I always put things off, especially when they are new and frightening. Anxiety really sucks. Right now I’m worrying about going by myself. I want to see the ocean and I want to see the landscape but I have fears right now about making a mistake, looking like I don’t know what I’m doing, looking foolish…
That’s a huge issue with me. I never learned to accept humility or how to allow myself to make mistakes. I don’t expect to be perfect but I would rather die than be embarrassed. I think this is my worst quality.
So I’m going to see the ocean today, despite my fears.