I have been OUT of it lately. This morning I popped into Target to get breakfast (yogurt and a banana, yo) and on my way out I spied this wall of Christmas candy that was reduced and I thought, Oh, because Christmas is coming… and I had to pause, NO WAIT it’s already happened. O_o!
It’s 2014. Already. I’m trying to be optimistic, but I’m down to just my sucky retail job. I have a goal of applying for a fellowship next month, but I am dragging my feet on being any kind of productive. Lately, I’ve been crawling into bed at 10:30 and sleeping in until 9 am and then just laying there for another two hours, playing on my phone. Good thing I work nights mostly.
I have good intentions, but I worry that I might be slipping backward into depression. The thing is you never know if it’s just going to be for a day or two or if it’s going to be Depression with a capital D.
I have a lot I want to do in the New Year.
I want to lose a drastic amount of weight. I want to hit that mythic weight number I’ve always dreamed of but have never quite hit. The older I get the less probably it will happen. My diet is really hard. I know that once my body gets used to eating less, I’ll be able to feel full with less food. But right now I’m hungry all the time.
I had this epiphany on the bus today. I felt this vague ache of hunger and I thought about how, to my body, sometimes hunger feels like what anxiety feels like and how sometimes I honestly can’t tell if I’m super hungry or just extremely anxious. Because I feel anxious every single day of my life and I get hungry everyday too, so sometimes it is hard to tell. Trouble is, sometimes they’re simultaneous, so I’ll eat and feel a little bit better but then I still have “that feeling” so I’ll eat more. And then I thought that maybe the reason I was an obese child was because my anxiety kicked in (the worst year of my life was also the year I got really, really fat) and I thought I was hungry or that sometimes I was hungry and food quelled that ache, so I ate to make myself feel better. I almost missed my stop because I was so stunned that I’d just put that together today.
I mean, I know I’m also an emotional eater and use food as a reward, but I wonder if my anxiety made it worse?
Other things— I want to conquer drawing. I want to crazy improve. I’ve been so lax lately with my “drawing every day” and it’s because I’m so tired and so indifferent to doing anything that I just have not been good about it. I’m not going to stress about it yet, though. I’m going to give myself another week or so to really get my feet underneath me. I hope I start to feel better because I was most successful at night. I do want to start giving myself specific tasks.
I also want to start to build up my online presence under my “real name”. I have a modest but still pretty darn good following of people under my fanart name and I do a lot of work for fandom. I realized that if I had put my time and energy into doing portfolio pieces instead, I might have a bigger audience and maybe even a job.
The thing is, fandom is like crack, it really is. I posted my “Thor” drawing yesterday in the morning for the start of Thor week, and when I went to bed I had 300 notes on it. Modest, but still— in one day I had 300 people went “ohhh, cool!” which is an enormous response for someone like me.
I so rarely get positive feedback in my real life, so naturally I want and crave it wherever I can get it. But fandom can be thankless too. I’ve given countless hours and creativity to this wanting, gaping hole that is fandom and very rarely get anything in return. It can be terribly silent too.
So, I’m going to scale back on the fanart this year. I think maybe for every drawing I do for fandom, I’ll be doing something that’s working towards my portfolio too. I want to get a 50/50 blend going. I think that’s fair.
I’m trying to take a page out of Tom Hiddleston’s book, who’s “a glass half full” kind of guy, and think about what could make me happy or excited instead of thinking about what makes me worried or upset.
I was leaving my mother’s house yesterday and feeling blue. So I tried to think of something to look forward to instead, tried to find one thing about leaving or returning back to Cali that was exciting. I couldn’t think of anything specific but I realized that I wanted to get back because I like the promise of new year, of starting over and I wanted to start with my resolutions.
So 2014 started out pretty good.
The flight was uneventful. My bag was one of the first off the plane! That made me very happy. Getting a cab was super easy and I was at my apartment an hour and a half before I had to leave for work.
When I got upstairs, Kay had been cooking and offered me lunch and she’d brought in the mail which had my paycheck from a gig I did in November!
Work was easy and Kay had gone out when I returned which gave me time to myself to unwind.
These are stupid small things, but I take them as starting 2014 on a good note.
happy new year on We Heart It. http://weheartit.com/entry/93677922/via/bre_mestas?utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=image_share&utm_source=tumblr
The end of the current year always makes me reflect on where I am in my life and what I did (or didn’t do) during the year.
Here, I’m going to focus on my accomplishments, the things I did in 2013.
I started to say “yes” to things.
So I said “yes” to doing camera layout work, even though I’d never done it and didn’t really want to. And that got me layout experience, though I worked essentially for free.
Because I did the layout, I was able to ask for animation work next at the same company. And even though that was for free, too, I have some animation experience now.
Then I got an internship for the summer— paid, and really cool experiences in both print books and concept art for games.
That led to a few weeks of paid contract work and because of the connections I made at the internship, I got another gig doing art asset design work.
I also stumbled upon animation contract work for a game that’s going to carry over into 2014.
These aren’t very big accomplishments, but this is a lot more than I did in 2012.
I want 2014 to be even better. I’m afraid to write it because I don’t want to set up my expectations. I don’t want to be devastated if I fail.
in 2014 I hope to get more better paying, art jobs, try for that design fellowship, find a new part time job and quit the bookstore. Personally I want to really push the drawing thing and get from passable to really good by next December. I also want to finally shed this extra weight and I want to start dating again. I’m not going to say “get a boyfriend” but I think setting the goal of going out more and practicing talking to guys is something. I’d also like to find time to read actual novels instead of art books or instructional books.
I want to work on so many things. But mostly, I want to move forward. I do not want to stagnate or regress.
I wish you guys luck with your wishes for the upcoming year.
So Christmas is here again. I’m glad I was able to make it home. But even here on the day i find the Christmas spirit eludes me.
We opened gifts and I tried to muster some enthusiasm, and when I couldn’t I blamed jet lag and lack of sleep (which is not exactly a lie since I only got about 4 hours sleep last night).
I did find some excitement when they opened their gifts from me but I feel ashamed that I could not return the favor.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just don’t have it in me this year.
My mother tried hard, gets an A for effort, but she didn’t ask me what I wanted or needed this year, so I got nothing I wanted or needed.
I feel so bad because my mother loves me so much and wanted to do good, but she knows I’m not happy. She doesn’t realize it’s really not anything to do with her, but she thinks it is because none of the clothes she bought me fits. I means, I’m not thrilled to be reminded of how overweight I am on Christmas morning but this sense of weariness has clung to me for a while.
I told her I loved everything and they were all beautiful and really nice. But I don’t think she believed it. And I feel bad that I could not lie more convincingly for her.
I’m a bit depressed I think. I dunno. Ever since that stupid blind date debacle I’ve felt off. I hope as the day goes on I can shake these blues.
Dieting is for the birds. It’s so hard. I am thinking about food constantly. I’ve already planned what I will eat tomorrow on myfitnesspal.
I don’t know how Chris Hemsworth and the cast of “heart of the sea” subsisted on 500 calories a day (to get their starved look).
I can barely handle 1200. Granted this is day 2. I just hope my stomach gets used to it soon. I don’t like obsessing over food but I obviously need to for a while.
I understand why people eat breakfast if they go to bed hungry.
I wish I could be like my friend who forgets to eat.