Be good to others. Be good to yourself. Do what makes you happy.
So my stomach has really been hurting me with anxiety pains for weeks now. It comes and goes. But it hurt me today. So I’m at work and I decided to sit down (we’re not supposed to— we have to stand for the entire shift) since nobody was in the store and I decided to do some writing.
Well, wouldn’t you know it my stomach stopped hurting. I was distracted. I was creating— and it was not until I realized that it stopped and I’m back here on tumblr that it hurts again.
Man. If I didn’t know that my stomach pain was anxiety before this, then I’d have undeniable proof now.
Things have not been great. My stomach really hurts with anxiety, though I can’t say I’m particularly anxious about something specific.
My therapist wants me to be medicated and really pushed me this week, and I’m really, really against it. I was medicated once before and all it did was make me fat and tranquilize me, it did not lessen my anxiety. In fact, I think it made it worse because I could see how it was affecting my ability to function— made me tired and placid like a doped up cow.
I couldn’t do any art while I was medicated because I just didn’t give a shit about anything. I’m someone who is short and used to be 40 pounds overweight and that weight loss IS a hard arduous struggle to maintain, so the idea of being on medication that makes you gain weight is abhorrent to me. I’m not trying to judge overweight people, I KNOW how hard it is (I am still technically overweight for my height). I just will never be comfortable if my weight creeps back up on me.
I think I have to stop seeing her. We made my next appointment for two weeks from now, but I am definitely going to call up and cancel and then I’ll be away the next week, so I can at least hedge a month. I know she’s not stupid and will know what I’m doing, but I don’t care. I don’t want to be medicated, and I’m pretty sure the next step is going to be that she won’t be able to help me anymore anyway if I refuse.
She said that if I was medicated and at a consistent emotional level, then we could begin to treat my issues. But I don’t want to be on medication. I do not trust medication. I don’t want something changing my brain because as broken as it is, I know how to use it. What if it changes the part of me that can do art? Paxil did that to me in 2003 and it was scary as shit. Why would I ever risk that part of me again? The thing is she can’t possibly know how medication is going to affect me, and the risk seems too high to me. I’m trying to make my living as an artist and she wants to fuck with that because it will be easier to treat me if I’m “tranquilized.”
That said, would anyone be willing to share their experience with medication and anxiety? I’d like to learn more before I have to outright refuse. I’m wondering what medication you took and how it affected you? Did you feel it helped you? Would you have rather gone without it? How long did you have to take it? forever?
Open your eyes to the possibility that there is something more going on than you can see. Trust that things will work out in your favor.