There is nothing I can look at for very long, except the sea.

Up moment

Feeling a lot better this moment than I have been. Not sure exactly why but I’m going to go with it.

But seriously though, fuck anxiety. My stomach has minor pain left over from my anxiety attack on Saturday, though it is nearly gone.

I don’t know why I’m feeling good right now but I hope it lasts.

Weight Loss finally

After dieting very strictly since January, I’ve finally dropped some weight. Rather, quickly— in 10 days I lost 7 pounds after not having lost any at all for all this time.  I think it must be water weight.  I did think that my pants were fitting a bit better.

I don’t know what did it. Last week I noticed my moods being horribly out of whack and I thought that maybe I should just eat whatever I wanted for a few days since food is my method of self comfort. I added some chocolate back into my diet, just a little bit and I allowed myself to have a croissant last week and again this week, which were two things I told myself “no way” after the 1st of the year.  

And then as you know this week I had a massive panic attack. My body still feels jittery from it and I thought that stress makes you hold onto weight, but I just weighed myself and the scale says I lost 7 pounds. Maybe my roommate messed with the scale. It’s technically her scale, maybe she adjusted it?

I don’t know. I’m just happy I didn’t gain any weight from all the stress and the sweets I’ve been eating. It’s important to me that I lose weight. 

16 Personality Types

I got INFJ personality. I think it might be a bit too noble for me, but it does describe my tendencies fairly well. 

hysteria

My anxiety has moved up to my chest and it’s really freaking me out.  I’m so stressed out about money that even though I know i need to eat something before I go to work, I’ve completely lost my appetite which is great because it turns out I can’t afford food right now anyway. I guess that’s also good because I wanted to lose weight. So, always a silver lining, even when your own poverty comes up to punch you in the face. 

Not having a full time job is the most stressful thing in the entire world.  No one can convince me otherwise. Every single thing revolves around money.  The way US capitalistic society is set up is totally centered around the 40+ hour a week, full time job with benefits lifestyle and makes no concessions for anyone who is outside this, even if they don’t want to be.  I hate freelancing. I hate working part time. 

I want that 40+ full time lifestyle but I can’t seem to get it. And living outside this system is no good for someone like me who has an anxiety disorder. 

I’m broke.

Having a panic attack. I hate money. My stomach is literally in knots and I think I might throw up.

Having kind of a freak out. I can’t seem to find something to distract me and i’m going from i’mfinei’mfinei’mfine to sobbing.  Something broke in me this morning and it needs to be fixed in the next 15 minutes.

Thunderous

I have thunder in my heart, angry and disruptive.

It’s a violence that makes my stomach hurt and gather tears that just won’t release.

I want to scream my throat hoarse until it all comes out.

Instead the thunder poisons my mind and settles in my stomach where it will wait like a predator in the grass.

Sink

I felt a bit better yesterday but I’m laying in bed now and I just don’t want to get up. I am filled with such dread. Dread over what I don’t know.

I wish I could pause the day and just lay here for a few more hours.

My heart is heavy. I don’t know what to do. I feel abandoned by my happiness. I have no commiserator, no confident and it weighs on me. It is hard to live when no one loves you, when you fill your life with distractions and obsessions. When your resolve breaks, these things can’t comfort you.

All I can do is hope something will distract me today.

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A handpicked medley of inspirations, musings, obsessions and things of general interest.