I need to reevaluate my life.
I am more unhappy than I am happy on a weekly basis.
I just— it seems that every part of my life, I have compromised in some way and when it all adds up I am left greatly unfulfilled.
I am craving the closeness of family. I’ve actually always been looking for this. I used to fantasize about having an older brother, someone I could look up to and who could help me when I feel lost. But I’m the older sibling and there’s no one.
I don’t have any grandparents, the only grandparent I ever knew, I was not close to and has passed away years ago. I don’t have any cousins my age, and again, I am not close to any cousins. My father isolated us. He didn’t want his family and didn’t think that we should need other family outside the four of us, but it is a void I have, one I’ve always felt ashamed of, something that made me weird. I never had grandparents or cousins or any extended family that we saw outside of major holidays and a birthday every once in a while.
And now that my father is dead and I live across the country, I feel as if I am drowning in this void in my life.
Lately, my mother and my sister have been keeping things from me. Lately, it’s been difficult for me to talk to them. Either they’re busy or else I’m busy and we don’t seem to have anything to say to each other.
And then today while talking to my mother she tells me the latest, that my sister’s friend Caty is going to be living with them for a month, in my old bedroom. And then she’s like, “Oh, what you didn’t know?” which made me see red because she ALWAYS has done this my whole life, acted like either I should know things through some kind of psychic power or else that she’s told me this already when we both know she hasn’t. She consistently does this with news that she knows I’m not going to like.
Caty is a nice, fine girl. So nice and fine that she is replacing me in my family. She already went to my family vacation this summer with my mother and my sister, which we go on every year. My mother didn’t even invite me to go. She just mentioned one day how busy she was trying to get things ready for the vacation and that my sister’s friend was coming along too. And when I said, “well, I would have liked to have gone,” she just said to me, “well, we thought you wouldn’t be able to go.”
And it just hurts me. Because I don’t have any family. I am living 3000 miles away with no close relationships and I realize that the people I love and think of as my family, while I’m sure they still love me, they don’t care about me as they used to. Out of sight, out of mind. And it sucks and there’s nothing I can do about being replaced, but it really, really hurts me.
I used to think that when my sister wouldn’t return my calls and I’d get upset because she never thinks about me that when we get older and mom’s not around, she’d need me then. But I realize how stupid that is, how naive. She will never need me. She’ll have Caty or whoever is in her life, and it won’t ever be me.
So I need to start “replacing” them. I need to start finding people to connect with, ones that i can be close to, and rely on. My father taught me that it was shameful to reveal yourself to people outside the family. He would refuse to even make small talk in waiting rooms or in line because he didn’t want others to know “our business”. He’d go to shut the windows in the house before yelling and screaming at me so that the neighbors wouldn’t know of his temper. He even used to hide his drinking from us kids, alcohol bottles hidden behind anywhere they would fit, thinning his tomato juice with vodka.
And now he’s dead and I’m an adult and I am alone and I don’t know what I’m doing. My sister is never going to be a sister to me. My mother is going through too much of her own issues right now to be a mother to me. I need find people in my life that I can build close relationships with, someone I can trust to see all my flaws and still want to be my friend, maybe even love me.
That could be asking for too much— someone to love me.